My jokes
I didn't put my kids up for adoption.
My happiest moment in life was getting a positive grade on my H.I.V. test without studying.
I only remember my father's last words before he died. He said, "Are you still holding the ladder?"
So, me and my friend dressed as dead people for Halloween. The only difference in the costume was that he was actually dead.
"Grandma, tell me a story!" I said as we huddled near the campfire.
"Alright," she said, "Once, there was a tree named Timmy, he was my best tree friend. I used to read books under him and climb all his branches."
"Where is Timmy now?" I asked.
Grandma pointed to the campfire.
I bought my spoiled brother a trampoline for his birthday, but he decided to sit in his wheelchair like a little bitch.
My fifth wife asked me to help her dig in the garden. Here we go again.
So this guy named Andrew Furda was my boyfriend for like a half a week, so five days. Then bam, I cut my hair. He only liked me for my looks, and I hoped he regrets it because it is WAR, so if you see this, you're going down, Andrew!
I like my wine like how I like my women: 10 years old and locked in a basement.
My friend has a dog who looks like cocoa. Her name is Cocoa!
When your friend asks why you don't smile, then you look at them and realize no one is there because you have no friends. #my life
Jeffy: I need a new butt. My old one has a crack in it.
Did you hear of my new job as a can crusher? It's soda pressing.
Doctor: I'm sorry, but you still have 10 seconds left.
Man: What?! What about my family?! My son is still missing! I can't just leave like that!
Doctor: Don't worry sir, I told your family.
Man: That's... great... if they found my son, tell them that I love him more than anything and I couldn't keep that promise.
The doctor watches the man closing his eyes while tears fell down from his eyes.
Doctor: I will... dad...
Tq for reading my crappy joke.
I cannot moderate myself at all. It's either I don't take my meds, or I take the entire bottle. Decisions, decisions...
I'll never forget my sister's last words. "Is it edible?"
Man: What's up?
Me: I'm annoyed.
Man: Why?
Me: I stole my gf's heart.
Man: So why are you annoyed?
Me: Everyone else in the surgery room gave me weird looks.
Sign on my attorney's office wall: "You can't have manslaughter without laughter."
Two guys are on a plane. One of the guys' name is Jack. The other is Peter.
Peter: "Hi Jack."
Flight Attendant: "You're going to hijack the plane?!?"
Jack: "No, my name is Ja-"
Flight Attendant: "Everybody stay calm! These two men are going to hijack the plane!"
Jack: "No, no. My name is Jack and my friend here is an idiot."
My doctor told me it was perfectly normal to become aroused or even ejaculate during a prostate exam.
That being said I wish he hadn't!