My jokes
I was hitting my hand, and my mom asked me what I was doing. I said I'm beating my meat.
A neighbor went up to me and asked me where my parents were. When I said, "In the bed," my neighbor said, "Oooooohh, how long is the penis?" I said, "Wait here," and I interrupted my parents while they were doing some "business" and asked my dad the exact question he said. Then he spanked me.
My uncle died in the 9/11 attacks. He was the best pilot I had ever met.
My grandad killed Hitler. He was such a great man!
Person A: C'mon person B, just be happy, smile.
Person B: Over my dead body.
Person B: *gets the noose*
My name.
Why didn't the skeleton go to prom?
He was dead. You fool. You fell for my trick. I'm very heartless.
Oh wait.
You fool!
I just finished my fourth round of baby back ribs. For some reason, everyone else at the abortion center is staring at me.
I remember my dad's last words: "I met your father."
I played piano at a Worthmore disabled elderly center. Then after I was done, I said, "How about you give me a standing ovation?"
I regret it to this day. Now I am forced to live here at Worthmore, and sit on my wheelchair, sad and lonely.
I was digging in my garden when I found a treasure chest full of gold. I was about to run inside and tell my wife, but then I remembered why I was digging in my garden.
The other day someone stole my mood ring. I don't know how to feel about that.
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
My sisters ask me, "Are you really a virgin?" I say, "That's nun of your business!"
Santa was in my social studies book. He was a redcoat.
A scarecrow said this job isn't for everyone.
But hay! It's in my jeans!
My mom said to let Jesus come inside me; now I can't sit down.
What does Santa say about my mom? HO HO HO!
I was setting a voice recognition password for my new phone, and a dog nearby barked and ran away. Now I'm still looking for that dog to unlock my phone.
My wife said I acted like a flamingo, so I had to put my foot down.