My jokes

My friend died by a truck, why can't I get run over?

I said to my wife that she's so ugly that she threw a boomerang and it never came back.

What is the difference between you and my dad?

Nothing.

My wife accused me of cheating. I told her she started to sound like my wife.

I wrote puns on a piece of paper like this:

P. P. P. P. U. U. U. U. N. N. N. N. S. S. S. S.

Then I showed them to my teacher, asking him what they had in common.

“They are all very tearable,” he replied.

Well, there is one person who gets it!

Tomorrow is Christmas, and I'm giving myself a present that I can't wait to open. It's my wrist. (Yes, this was inspired by a Fall Out Boy song.)

Man 1: I-I ran my mom over to get a stupid book.

Man 2: Aww, books aren't that bad. I'm sure she thinks you're a great son considering she can't drive anymore.

Man 1: She was in the road, and I was rushing to get the last copy of this book. She can't drive or do anything anymore.

Squirrel: I got a joke.

Dog: What the hell is it?

Squirrel: I clicked my nuts and clicked my poop.

What’s the difference between my lawn and my wrists?

Nothing, I cut both of them.

I tend to think my ‘depression’ is for attention. I guess I have depressed depression.

My dad is like my depression, you need a suicide letter to find him.

Because all I do is pound it, man. I would put you on my "600 Pound Life" if you didn't weigh 1,000.

Because all I do is pound it, man, I would put you on my 600 lb life if you didn't weigh a thousand.

I wish my dog was depressed so she can cut her own nails.

I wish the grass in my back lawn was emo, because then it would cut itself.

Today, I learned that a group of piranhas can maul a small child down to the bone in under 20 seconds. Well, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

My wife left me yesterday.

I haven't talked to the kids in a year.

Me: punching a kid.

My FBI agent: You're adopted.

My diet consists of Blood Pudding, I love it and have it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, my secret ingredient though?

It consists of the blood and insides of my victims, it’s a bit chunky sometimes, some bits chewy, some bits hard, but it’s a hearty meal.

Hate when my phone dies instead of me :))