What's the difference between a Thanksgiving turkey and my kid?
I only stuff the turkey.
My Jokes
What does a pregnant teen and an aborted child have in common?
They both say, “My mom's gonna kill me!”
What is my favorite color? Yellow.
My husband told me to make him a sandwich. I was looking online for some comebacks. Someone online said, "You better come back with a goddamn sandwich!"
An old woman goes to the doctor complaining of extremely smelly gas.
"I don't understand it, Doc," she said, "I have this terrible, terrible gas." "Thankfully," she added, "they are at least silent when I fart."
Doctor hands her a bottle of pills, tells her take them all and then come back to see him.
The old woman returned a short time later extremely mad. "I took those pills like you said and not only is my gas smelly, but now when I fart they are obnoxiously loud!", she yelled.
The doctor said, "well, now that we've solved your hearing problem, let's see what we can do about that gas".
A person walks into the bar and said, "Hey barman, get my son a drink and tell him his dad is dead."
Who said that?
My parents said to me, "Whenever you say sorry to someone and they say, 'It's okay,' it's really not."
So I said, "Okay."
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Orphan.
Orphan who?
Are you my mommy?
What made me laugh?
The fact that my life is a joke."
My wife asked me to get her a puppy. I agreed and went to an animal shelter. As I was searching for a puppy, a fire was set, and the entire animal shelter burned down.
A few hours later, I returned to my wife. She knew I had no puppies and asked why. I replied, "I couldn't find any." She understood but was upset, so I gave her something that I did get. She said, "Wow! This is good, what smokehouse did you get this at?"
My pregnant wife said we were gonna name the kid Digiorno. She wouldn't tell me why until she got an abortion and told me, "It's not delivery, it's Digiorno."
My brothers kept annoying me.
I told them I would disembowel them if they kept it up.
It was an empty threat—right after I was done.
I looked at my daughter. I told her what's wrong.
She said I wasn't being a daddy to her until...
There was a woman sitting with me.
I had to leave until she pointed at something—it was my butt.
I was confused until it was her turn for truth or dare.
Oh my god, she hit me with a bat,
'Cause she was transgender.
There are so many things going through my head. Sadly, none of it is a 9mm.
Why did the frog cross the road?
To show his gang that he had guts.
My doctor told me that I had to burn calories, so I took a fat kid and lit them on fire
There's a girl I like in my school, but she's always on her phone. It seems that I can't get a SIGNAL from her.
What's red, takes my belt, and what I got from a weird children's house?
An orphan.
