My jokes

Because all I do is pound it, man. I would put you on my "600 Pound Life" if you didn't weigh 1,000.

Because all I do is pound it, man, I would put you on my 600 lb life if you didn't weigh a thousand.

I wish my dog was depressed so she can cut her own nails.

I wish the grass in my back lawn was emo, because then it would cut itself.

Today, I learned that a group of piranhas can maul a small child down to the bone in under 20 seconds. Well, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

My wife left me yesterday.

I haven't talked to the kids in a year.

Me: punching a kid.

My FBI agent: You're adopted.

My diet consists of Blood Pudding, I love it and have it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, my secret ingredient though?

It consists of the blood and insides of my victims, it’s a bit chunky sometimes, some bits chewy, some bits hard, but it’s a hearty meal.

Hate when my phone dies instead of me :))

I went to the table to eat my egg, but I couldn't find it anywhere.

I think someone must've poached it.

911 jokes are just plane wrong, my dad was a great pilot you know.

This joke probably flew over people's heads, but for some people it flew into their head.

Me in my dream: What a good day! *rumble* Ooh! What was that?

I wake up and I find myself on the floor.

My life is like a broken pencil, it's pointless.

I asked my mum why she’s depressed, she said her life has been a wreck. I asked how long has it been, she then asked when I was born.

My wife and I have reached the decision that we do not want children.

If anyone does, please comment your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

Hi, how are you? Busy doing right? I just texted. Me and my dad were going home and walk home and I got home.

I love playing games with my family.

The Tupperware people came to our house. They asked my wife, "Where's the kitchen?"

Sorry, I have only lived here for 3 months, but my jewelry is upstairs in my jewelry box located in my bedroom.

I told my wife she was lousy in bed.

She replied, "I guess you have been seeing your ex-girlfriend, uh?"

One day, inexplicably, my talking parrot started insulting me. He called me an idiot, a fool, a jerk, stupid, and a variety of other nasty names. I warned the squawker to cease, but to no avian avail. Fed up, I finally flipped the foul-mouthed feather-brain into the freezer...but after about 15 seconds, I relented and let him out.

"I'm so sorry," he declared! "I don't know what came over me, and realize I shouldn't have said those terrible things. I hope you can forgive me, and I promise never to do it again! By the way...what did the chicken do?" 🐔😂