New My Jokes - Page 14 - Worst Jokes Ever

Frank: "I am named Frank because my grandpa lived in Frankfurt during his best years."

Finley: "I am named Finley because my grandmother was in Finland during her early twenties!"

Mia: "Can we please change the subject?"

I used to be a baker, but I decided to quit my job and stick my dough inside WOMEN’S bakeries.

What did the rapper say to the microphone?

"You're my closet confidant!"

What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

I've never had a lentil on my face.

Shit! My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs! I've been his customer for 4 years, but I had no idea he was a barber.

Damn! Really stole my friend's glasses. Well, now they're blind, but not really, they're dead.

During a discussion at Sunday school, a nun asks the children what they think God takes you by when you die. A kid responds, "I think God takes you by your feet, because once I walked into my parents' room and my mom's feet were in the air and she was screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!!!"

Yesterday I purchased a world map and told my wife to throw a dart, and wherever it lands, I will take her. Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.

What did the rapper say to his broken pencil?

"You're just not SHARP enough for my lyrics!"

I was sitting on my own in a restaurant when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent me a note, “I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pocket.” I wrote back, “Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone.”

Daveon is my blud, cuh.

Daveon says, "Oh wow, she's so beautiful!" The doctor then says, "Yes, but sadly, your wife didn't make it..." Daveon then states, "Give me the one my wife made then!"

Me: *reading a sign* "Children are a gift from god."

Me: "No, they are a gift from the underworld."

Mother: "Yeah, I picked you up at the gift shop on my way out."

Mother: "You are a spawn of Satan."

My brother is ugly. One time he stuck his head out the window. The police arrested for mooning.

My proctologist used to be a photographer. He took x-rays and told me to bend over and say "cheese!"

Tuesday, I was looking at my family tree, and two dogs were using it.

When I have sex, my girlfriend screams, especially when I walk in on her.

I complained to my dad why he never took me to the zoo.

He said if they want you, they’ll come get you.

This was a few months ago. I used to help people load and unload inventory. One day I’m driving home after having lunch with my sister, and she asked if we can stop at the next gas station. I told her, "So you can weigh yourself on the truck scale?"