My jokes

My friend was feeling low today, so I went up to her and said, "You know, I would hang in there if I was you, swaying through life." I don't think she likes me now.

Friend: What are you doing?

Me: Putting peanut butter on my balls.

Friend hears in the distance, "Orphans, I have food for you!"

My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn’t working.”

I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door, and it’s working fine!

What's the difference between my dad and cancer?

My dad didn't beat the cancer.

My uncle died on 9/11. Her last words were "Allahu Akbar."

I look at an orphanage, then hug my mum. He just looks sad and crude because he couldn’t find his mum.

Guy, it was so weird yesterday. I saw a guy, and he kept repeating the same thing over and over. I hate people with dementia. I told my mom to get a new mirror, but she won’t listen to me. It’s almost like I said it like 20 times every time I say it.

I can't believe the suicide hotline put my cousin on hold. They left him hanging.

Roses are red, I am Groot, Honey, where's my super suit?

Who wants to be my boyfriend, please?

"My name is Walter Hartwell White. I live at 308 Negra Arroyo Lane, Albuquerque, New Mexico, 87104."

A man died and went to heaven. Every time you cheat, you get a worse car.

The first man cheated 5 times; he got a Jeep. The second man cheated 3 times; he got a BMW. The third man never cheated; he got a Lamborghini.

The second man saw the third man sad. He said, "Why are you sad?" The third man said, "I saw my wife with a scooter."

I was at school when I remembered I forgot my necklace, then I screamed out, "Shit, I forgot Grandpa!"

All my 9/11 jokes crash and burn.

All my friends live in a forest. It's called Aokigahara.

Everyone else seems to have met my dad. I only have the mugshots.

My fucking balls hurt so god damn bad, oh my god!

My sister’s birthday is on 9/11. When she opened her presents, she jumped up with an explosion.

You look good now, but you’d look better hanging from my ceiling. ;)

All my 9/11 jokes seem to fly too low.