My Jokes

I forgot you can't make depression jokes outside of Twitter, lmao. My coworker was like, "You ready for this year to be over?"

I was like, "I'm ready for this life to be over." He was like, "Bro, what?"

Whoever has my voodoo doll, can you just finish me off already?

I asked my dog this morning how her week's been going--she said "ruff." I feel her, you know? I feel her.

I either added you because we have shit tons of mutuals, or 'cause I'd let you spit alcohol in my mouth.

I'll let you decide.

How I Punch my Brother: Wooden Sword.

How he is telling Dad: Diamond Sword.

How hard my Dad is gonna punch me: Warden Punch.

I ran into a kid today. Now I'm in jail and I lost my driver's license.

Can we stop talking about 9/11? My dad died, man, but he was a good pilot.

My uncle died on September 11. He was the greatest pilot in all of Saudi Arabia.

Me: GUYS GUYS I CAN STOP 9/11.

My friend: How?

Justin: Justin!

God = what I hope to be.

Devil = what I can't accept.

I hope to be like Jesus, a dead martyr. I can't accept that my religion is evil.

One day my mom told me not to be an actor. I said, "But mommy, I will make a lot of money!"

Little Johnny was watching TV when he heard the TV say "bitch" and "bastard." He went over to his dad and said, "What is a bitch and bastard?" His dad looked at him surprised and said, "A bitch is a female, a bastard is a mailman." Johnny went back to the TV and heard them say "ass" and "shit," so he goes back to his dad and asks, "What shit and ass mean?" His dad says, "A shit is shaving cream like what I'm putting on my face, and ass is a coat, why don't you bug your mom?" Johnny goes back to the TV and hears them say "fuck," so Johnny goes over to his mom and says to her, "What does fuck mean, mom?" She looks over at him and says, "Fuck means carving, like what I'm doing to this turkey!" A few minutes later, Johnny hears a knock on the door. He walks over and answers it. He then says, "Welcome bitch and bastard, may I take your ass?" The people, looking horrified, then ask where his parents are. Johnny responds with, "My dad is putting shit on his face and my mom is fucking the turkey!"

My Grandpa was supposed to be in 9/11, but airport security got him.

Today my ex got hit by a bus.

I also lost my job as a bus driver.

Last night I shared a bed with two of my friends because we were in a small hotel. We had strange dreams last night.

My friend on the left dreamed of getting a handjob.

So did my friend on the right.

I had a dream of skiing.

What do my cock and money have in common?

Your mom.

How many dead hookers does it take to change a light bulb?

Definitely not 13, because my basement is still dark.

Why did my dad cross the road?

To get to the nearest building so he wouldn't die in the crippling smoke of the most terrifying and only terrorist attack on American soil.

I revealed my dick to my girlfriend.

As she saw it, she said, "Nevermind, just finger me."

My balls.