My jokes

My wife and children are leaving me over my obsession with horse racing.

And they're off!

My mom loves balls.

But my dad has been gone for the last 4 years.

I'm black, and I have a dying family in my basement that hasn't eaten in 2 weeks. They need help.

Btw, it's a joke lol.

Can’t believe how ungrateful my dwarf next-door neighbor is. I saw him waiting at the bus stop earlier today and offered to give him a lift, but he told me to “fuck off.” In the end, I decided to just close my rucksack and walk away.

A blind woman told me I had a big penis yesterday.

I think she was pulling my leg.

doctor: you need to eat healthy.

me: no.

doctor: the last patient who didn't change their diet after I suggested it died.

me: oh my goodness.

doctor: in a plane crash.

me: that sounds unrelated.

doctor: I'm the one that crashed it. Do not disobey me!

Boss: You're fired.

Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*

Boss: You're a waiter. Where did you get those?

My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest with a rabid wolf.

Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend.

Friend: Wow thanks, I'm rich!

Robin [narrows eyes]: You're what?

I have an EpiPen.

My friend gave it to me while he was dying.

It seemed really important to him that I have it.

So I’m riding in the car with my dad and all of a sudden I smell something rank without warning.

My dad starts laughing at me.

Dad: “Son! That must have been an orphan fart! You know why?”

Me: “Why dad?”

Dad: “Because it ain’t got no pop!”

You know I used to call my dogs' balls the Twin Towers, until they came rumbling down.

Why'd my grandpa fall over?

'Cause I clapped his cheeks, fool!

My name says it all.

It's not bad that my car doesn't beep when reversing.

The screams of the passers-by are enough for me!

"Police control! Have you been drinking?"

"Go Pikachu! Thunder Clap!"

"Did you just throw a hamster at my head?"

I kicked my leg into my dad's balls in 1999.

911 jokes usually go over my head.

Then it hits me.

My grandpa said my generation relies too much on technology.

Then I unplugged his life support. :)

When my grandpa was 65, he decided to run a mile a day to keep fit.

He's 70 now, and we have no idea where he is.