My jokes

Your hairline be lookin' like my negative bank account balance -1,000,000.

A friend took me out to his shed and was showing me all his tools, when he pointed to a ladder. "That's my step ladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."

People be like: "What happened to Fruit Ninja? It was on your phone."

Me: "I upgraded, now I can play on my pro max thigh/wrists."

So, my girlfriend left me. I took her wheelchair, and she came back crawling.

Holy fucking shit, Addison, watersharky, Gwen, and all of you other cringelords, I swear to God if I hear one more thing about "please be kind, no bullying on the internet," I will actually shoot my local school.

You may not know, since you are only 8 years old or whatever, but the world is not kind. It’s full of sick people out to beat others, and the only way to stay safe is to beat them. So even if you think you are spreading kindness, it’s just gonna make you a target. So just stfu and keep your "please be kind" messages to yourselves.

How many children does it take to change a lightbulb?

Not 15, as my basement's still dark.

One day I went to talk to my friend.

"Hi John!" I said.

No response.

"Oh, yeah."

I went to pick up the remote and clicked the unmute button.

"Hope that helps!"

Where’s the English Channel?

Johnny: “I don’t know. My television doesn’t pick it up.”

The teacher was terrified to hear Little Johnny swear.

“I never want you to use language like that again. Where on earth did you pick it up?”

“From my father,” said Johnny.

“Well, he should be ashamed of himself. And it’s no reason for you to talk like that. You don’t even know what it means.”

“I do,” said Johnny. “It means the car won’t start.”

Guys, help! I need advice to confess to my crush. I'm being for real right now, guys, help!

You shouldn't joke about 9/11. My grampa died on 9/11. He was the best pilot in all of Saudi Arabia.

Your hairline goes back further than when my gran died, and she was buried 6 foot under.

My dad died in the 9/11 attack. He was a good pilot.

My friend wants to do martial arts, but he's disabled, so I guess it’s partial arts.

To whoever stole my antidepressants, why do you need them?

My girlfriend left me for spending my own money. I buy this bitch thousands upon thousands of dollars worth of stuff, but I spend 100 dollars on a prostitute, she leaves me.

I got my daughter a trampoline for her birthday. The ungrateful bitch just sat there in her wheelchair and cried.

My teacher: If you could go anywhere, where would you go?

Me: Demon Slayer.

My teacher: Why?

The quiet kid: TO GET EATEN BY A DEMON OR BECOME ONE!!!

My mom: If your friend jumped off a bridge, would you?

Me: No.

Attack on Titan music starts playing in my head.

You wonder where my dad is.

Meanwhile, Dad: It's good to be at milk island!