My jokes

Me: The light wow brighter than my future.

Fortnite battle pass, I just shit out my ass. The school: You did what?

What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body? I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.

I have MP3s on my computer that are older than Johnny Depp's new significant other.

My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the National Zoo.

I got fired from my job at the bank today.

An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I got jealous of the zebras. Sorry, I’ll cut it out. I wanted to practice for my med school test.

My dad was in 9/11, that's rude, and he was a great pilot.

My wife made electric eel for supper. I was shocked!

I asked my orphan friend what his movie is, he said "Spiderman: No Way Home." I said, "Probably because it's so relatable, right?" He started crying. I don't know why.

My dad died in 9/11. I'll always remember his last words:

Allah hu akbar.

Police: Where do you live? Child: With my parents.

Police: Where do your parents live? Child: With me.

Police: Where do you all live? Child: Together.

Police: Where is your house? Child: Next to my neighbor's house.

Police: Where is your neighbor's house? Child: If I tell you, would you believe me?

Police: Yes. Now tell me. Child: Next to my house.

Police: ... Child: 😊

Police: *Proceeds to beat the life out of the child*

My therapist told me, "Time heals all wounds," so I stabbed him.

Now we wait...

How many dead slaves does it take to change a lightbulb?

Apparently, more than 6, because my basement is still dark.

Dude, people gotta stop letting 9/11 jokes fly around like bro, you're gonna make my brain explode!

"911, what’s your emergency?" I asked, listening to the quiet sobs of a little kid on the other end of the line.

“I think my daddy want to kill me,” the girl said and cried, making me freeze on the spot as I recognized my daughter’s voice.

Battery 1%.

I take one last look at Earth as my suit runs out of power.

I try and try every day, but 5 keep coming out. There's so money at this point my walls are built of babies.

I shidded out my baby, then became a fish.

A Russian, a Brit, and a terrorist are in an air balloon.

First, the Russian says, "I dare to throw a stone down!" So he does that, but the others don't seem to be impressed. So the Brit says, "I dare to throw a brick down!" So again he does that, the Russian is impressed, but the terrorist laughs and says, "I dare to throw a bomb down!" So he does that and everybody can't believe what they have just seen. So a bit further, they land, and a shocked and afraid little boy comes running up to them. So they ask what happened, on which the little boy said, "I farted and my school exploded."