My jokes

doctor: you need to eat healthy.

me: no.

doctor: the last patient who didn't change their diet after I suggested it died.

me: oh my goodness.

doctor: in a plane crash.

me: that sounds unrelated.

doctor: I'm the one that crashed it. Do not disobey me!

Boss: You're fired.

Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*

Boss: You're a waiter. Where did you get those?

My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest with a rabid wolf.

Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend.

Friend: Wow thanks, I'm rich!

Robin [narrows eyes]: You're what?

I have an EpiPen.

My friend gave it to me while he was dying.

It seemed really important to him that I have it.

So I’m riding in the car with my dad and all of a sudden I smell something rank without warning.

My dad starts laughing at me.

Dad: “Son! That must have been an orphan fart! You know why?”

Me: “Why dad?”

Dad: “Because it ain’t got no pop!”

You know I used to call my dogs' balls the Twin Towers, until they came rumbling down.

Why'd my grandpa fall over?

'Cause I clapped his cheeks, fool!

My name says it all.

It's not bad that my car doesn't beep when reversing.

The screams of the passers-by are enough for me!

"Police control! Have you been drinking?"

"Go Pikachu! Thunder Clap!"

"Did you just throw a hamster at my head?"

I kicked my leg into my dad's balls in 1999.

911 jokes usually go over my head.

Then it hits me.

My grandpa said my generation relies too much on technology.

Then I unplugged his life support. :)

When my grandpa was 65, he decided to run a mile a day to keep fit.

He's 70 now, and we have no idea where he is.

My cousin is in a wheelchair and wanted to battle.

So I went up a step and said, "It's over Anakin, I have the high ground!"

What is the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?

I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.

There is a kid in my school who is exactly like Dahmer, but he doesn't eat ppl. Or does he...?

He's Dahmer's son @domink.

"So what, ah, my G?"

I got my son a bike for his birthday. The ungrateful fucker just sat in his wheelchair all day crying.