Mum jokes

You're mum.

What are the first four letters of the alphabet?

Mum: (noticing the child's hair is too long) "You need a haircut."

Brother: (winning a game on PlayStation) "Yes! Get in!"

Uncle: (making plans) "We're gonna go and see The Bodyguard."

Aunt: (singing a song from the show after overhearing the conversation) "I have nothing, nothing, nothing... if I don't have you."

Next day...

Student: I know the alphabet.

Teacher: OK, go on.

Student: "You need a haircut."

Teacher: How dare you make comments like this! Do you want to go to the headteacher?

Student: "Yes! Get in!"

Teacher: What do you think you're going to be doing?

Student: "We're gonna go and see The Bodyguard."

*In headteacher's office*

Headteacher: Now, I hear you were very rude to the literacy teacher earlier. What do you have to say for yourself?

Student: "I have nothing, nothing, nothing... if I don't have you."

What's your mum's favourite food?

Chicken nuggets! HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA

A teacher in Scunthorpe asks a class what their favorite football team is, saying, "Raise your hand if it is Scunthorpe." Every student but one raised their hand. The teacher asks, "Why don't you support Scunthorpe?" The child answers, "My parents support Grimsby, and so do I." The teacher comes back with, "Why are you copying your parents? What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad a druggie?" The child answers, "Then I'd support Scunthorpe like you dirty bastards!"

My mum touched my friend, but she wasn’t the she’s only 12.

The teacher asks, "Who is a Trump fan?" Everyone in the class, wanting to be liked by their teacher, all put their hands up, except for Little Johnny. The teacher asks, "Little Johnny, why are you being different again?" Little Johnny says, "Because I'm not a Trump fan." The teacher asks, "Why are you not a Trump fan?" and Little Johnny says, "Because my dad's a democrat and my mum's a democrat so I'm a democrat." And then his teacher says, "So if your dad was an idiot and your mum was a moron, what would that make you?" And Little Johnny replies, "A Trump fan."

"Your mum has very small balls. Congrats! I told her, your balls are bigger than your husband's."

Ya mums, ya dad.

Your mum is so fat she eats all day!

I caught my mom licking up and down and deep throating a banana. I said, "Why are you doing that?" She replied, "I’m doing it for practice for who could suck the best dick contest in the neighborhood."

I was on the train today and saw a cow on it.

It was quite strange until I realized it was Alfie's mum.

There was a solar eclipse at school and we missed it, but it was alright. Your mum went to NASA and recreated it herself.

Your mum is so fat, when she reached for the remote, when she found it, it was crushed.

Why was Aaron's mum sad? The bus missed Aaron.

"Ur mum is big."

Your mum is so poor, she can't afford free samples.

My friend said to me that I am gay. My response? I’m as straight as that pole that your mum danced on last night.

You are so ugly when your mum dropped you off at school, she got fined for littering.

Orphan: What are you doing tonight?

Me: Your mum... oh wait, you don't have one.

What did the poo say when it fell out of your bum?

"Your anus looks like my mum's bedsheet which is smelly and covered in poo."

I also just wanted to add that a Goonie's anus looks like my nan's mouth.