Mum Jokes

Yo mum's so dumb, she went to the library to find Facebook.

Yo mama so fat, when she was telling me her weight, I thought she was telling me her number.

Me: "Cya"

Mom: "Where ya going?"

Me: "The orphanage to make yo mama jokes."

Mum: ...

Why are tomatoes green? Because they rot, like your mum.

Your mum is so fat, she thought Dunkin' Donuts was a basketball team.

I look at an orphanage, then hug my mum. He just looks sad and crude because he couldn’t find his mum.

Your mum's so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing.

POV: Your mum is a bomber.

Amelia is hotter than my mum 696969696.

What do me and a blind person have in common after I look at Alfie's mum?

We're both blind.

Sam's mum is so fat, when she fell down the stairs, I thought EastEnders finished!

Your mum is so fat, she needs 3 different watches for 3 different time zones.

Me: You have terrible jokes.

Mum: Shows me a mirror.

Three sons left home, went out into the world, and each of them made a lot of money. During a reunion, they discussed the gifts they'd given to their elderly mum.

"I built a big house for our mum," said the first.

"I sent her a Mercedes, with a chauffeur," said the second.

And the third smiled and said, "I think my gift was the best. You know how much mum enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know that her eyes aren't so good anymore? Well, I sent her a remarkable cockatoo that recites the entire Bible, both old and new testaments. It took a priest twelve years to teach him. That cockatoo is the only one in the world that can do it. All mum has to do is name the chapter and verse, and the cockatoo recites it."

A few days later, mum sent out her thankyou letters. She wrote to the first son,

"The house you built is so enormous that I only live in one room. The trouble is, I have to clean the whole house."

To the second son she said, "I'm far too old to travel anymore. I stay at home most of the time, so I've hardly used the Mercedes. In any case, the driver is so rude."

To the third son she wrote "Dearest Freddie. You have the good sense to know what your mum likes. The chicken was delicious!"

Kid's uncle: "Your mum said you can have your friends round tonight! But I'm gonna have to baby sit today."

Kid: "OK THANK YOU."

(AT BED TIME)

Kid: "Please may you stop touching my leg BEN!"

Ben: "I'm not."

(Turns light on) Kid: "UNCLEEEEE STOP SPILLING MILK OVER ME!!!"

Hondo's dad and mum went up the hill to do it in the water.

Jack slipped, his condom ripped, and now they have a Hondo.

I was walking down the streets with my parents and my sister. My mum said, "Step on a crack, break your mother's back." I stepped on a crack. My sister has been in the hospital ever since.

Roses are red, Your mum's a queer, Fucking hell, Can’t get out of first gear!

I told my mum that a few guys tell me that you're a MILF.

My mom said what that is. I reply, "Mom, I'd Like To Fuck." My mum started out to laugh, then she told me, "Well, now you need a new stepdad."

Your mum is so overdue on eBay for £2 so she could get a male stripper.