Mum jokes

When I was a kid, my hamster died, so my mum bought a new identical one, hoping I wouldn't notice. It didn't matter anyway, since I beat that one to death, too.

What do you do after raping a deaf mute eight-year-old girl? Smash the little bitch's hands with a hammer so she can't tell her mum.

Your mum so fat that when she sat down she said, "Why are there so many people under me?"

Roses are red, Your mum's a queer, Fucking hell, Can’t get out of first gear!

Why are Palestinian boys so eager to grow a beard?

So they can use their mum's ID to get in the club.

Little Johnny goes to his mum and asks, "Mummy, what's rape?"

Little Johnny's mum answers, "The way you got here."

What's the difference between your mum and the Twin Towers?

I would smash the Twin Towers.

My friend said to me that I am gay. My response? I’m as straight as that pole that your mum danced on last night.

I rang my boss and said, "I’m really sick. I won’t be coming into work." My boss said, "Davo, you're sick again! Really! Just how sick are you now?" I replied, "Well, I’m in bed with my sister!"

Your mum said, "Who did it?" Ya nan!

SOOOO my sister said her first bad word yesterday. "Shit." My mum was like, "What did you just say, child?"

Sister: "I said the cat shits inside like the dog shi- uh oh......"

Now I've avoided this stuff by making my own word: Sugarplum. Sugarplum = shit...

My sister made some pie, and it tasted horribly... so I said this.... "This pie is very sugarplum-y." She said, "What do you mean by that?" I said, "It tastes like sugarplums..."

Mom died, so I planted mums and forget-me-nots all over her grave site.

Your mum is gay; her name is Rachel.

Your mum is so fat that when she walked past the television, I missed a whole series of SpongeBob.

Your mum is so fat, she needs 3 different watches for 3 different time zones.

Sam's mum is so fat, when she fell down the stairs, I thought EastEnders finished!

Me: You have terrible jokes.

Mum: Shows me a mirror.

You are so ugly when your mum dropped you off at school, she got fined for littering.

What do me and a blind person have in common after I look at Alfie's mum?

We're both blind.

What do you do if your dick is smoking?

Get your mum to lick it.