Mum jokes

My mum told me to take out the trash, but I couldn’t find you.

When I was a kid, my hamster died, so my mum bought a new identical one, hoping I wouldn't notice. It didn't matter anyway, since I beat that one to death, too.

What do you do after raping a deaf mute eight-year-old girl? Smash the little bitch's hands with a hammer so she can't tell her mum.

Your mum so fat that when she sat down she said, "Why are there so many people under me?"

Roses are red, Your mum's a queer, Fucking hell, Can’t get out of first gear!

What's the difference between your mum and the Twin Towers?

I would smash the Twin Towers.

Why are Palestinian boys so eager to grow a beard?

So they can use their mum's ID to get in the club.

I rang my boss and said, "I’m really sick. I won’t be coming into work." My boss said, "Davo, you're sick again! Really! Just how sick are you now?" I replied, "Well, I’m in bed with my sister!"

My friend said to me that I am gay. My response? I’m as straight as that pole that your mum danced on last night.

Your mum said, "Who did it?" Ya nan!

SOOOO my sister said her first bad word yesterday. "Shit." My mum was like, "What did you just say, child?"

Sister: "I said the cat shits inside like the dog shi- uh oh......"

Now I've avoided this stuff by making my own word: Sugarplum. Sugarplum = shit...

My sister made some pie, and it tasted horribly... so I said this.... "This pie is very sugarplum-y." She said, "What do you mean by that?" I said, "It tastes like sugarplums..."

Your mum is gay; her name is Rachel.

Your mum is so fat, she needs 3 different watches for 3 different time zones.

Me: You have terrible jokes.

Mum: Shows me a mirror.

What do me and a blind person have in common after I look at Alfie's mum?

We're both blind.

Sam's mum is so fat, when she fell down the stairs, I thought EastEnders finished!

When you are being spoon-fed and your mum says, "Here comes the airplane."

What do you do if your dick is smoking?

Get your mum to lick it.

Your mum is so fat, all her relationships are long distance.

Your mum so fat, she broke the stairs down to the fridge.