Mum jokes

When I was a kid, my hamster died, so my mum bought a new identical one, hoping I wouldn't notice. It didn't matter anyway, since I beat that one to death, too.

What do you do after raping a deaf mute eight-year-old girl? Smash the little bitch's hands with a hammer so she can't tell her mum.

Your mum so fat that when she sat down she said, "Why are there so many people under me?"

Roses are red, Your mum's a queer, Fucking hell, Can’t get out of first gear!

My friend said to me that I am gay. My response? I’m as straight as that pole that your mum danced on last night.

I rang my boss and said, "I’m really sick. I won’t be coming into work." My boss said, "Davo, you're sick again! Really! Just how sick are you now?" I replied, "Well, I’m in bed with my sister!"

Your mum said, "Who did it?" Ya nan!

What's the difference between your mum and the Twin Towers?

I would smash the Twin Towers.

Why are Palestinian boys so eager to grow a beard?

So they can use their mum's ID to get in the club.

SOOOO my sister said her first bad word yesterday. "Shit." My mum was like, "What did you just say, child?"

Sister: "I said the cat shits inside like the dog shi- uh oh......"

Now I've avoided this stuff by making my own word: Sugarplum. Sugarplum = shit...

My sister made some pie, and it tasted horribly... so I said this.... "This pie is very sugarplum-y." She said, "What do you mean by that?" I said, "It tastes like sugarplums..."

Mom died, so I planted mums and forget-me-nots all over her grave site.

Your mum is gay; her name is Rachel.

I look at an orphanage, then hug my mum. He just looks sad and crude because he couldn’t find his mum.

Your mom's so fat, when she stands on the scale, it says, "To be continued..."

Yo mum's so dumb, she went to the library to find Facebook.

Your mum is so fat, she thought Dunkin' Donuts was a basketball team.

"Your mum has very small balls. Congrats! I told her, your balls are bigger than your husband's."

Your mum's so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing.

Yo mama so fat, when she was telling me her weight, I thought she was telling me her number.

Your mum's hairline was so big that Dora the Explorer could not find it.