Mum jokes

I walk in on my mum and she's in the middle of pulling off my dad's boxers. I said, "Mum, you really spoil those dogs!"

This guy called anonymous said he's going to own me like he did my mum. Joke's on him, I have two dads.

Mum is the best!

I was at the park the other day and sat down on the bench next to a mum and her daughter, and she asked which one was my kid, and I said I haven't decided yet.

My arse hole hurts like no joke, man. I just had to tell that your heads a peanut, you fucking nonce, kid, you fat fuck sack, your mum you dirty cow!

Q: Name a murderer?

Aborted fetus: My mum.

Your mum is so fat, she eats every meal from KFC, Maccas, Hungry Jacks all at once!

We were so poor when we were kids, dad used to jerk off the dog to feed the cat.

Suck your mum's bum.

My mother caught me jerking off and she told me to leave it out. I didn't know what she was doing but she grabbed my cock and started sucking. Then I found out on porn she was doing deep throat.

A couple of weeks later my dad caught me jerking off, I thought he would deep throat, but he just walked up to me and slapped my boner. I cried for 5 hours. Luckily my mum gave me a sloppy joe afterwards.

So I was in the car with my mom one time and we always joke about me being adopted (I am not), and Michael Jackson's song "Billie Jean" sounds like my name, and so my mom says, as the song is playing, "(My name) is not my daughter, she's just a girl who claims that I am her mum." Wow. *applauds for mother* Love you momma =)

What did Stephen Hawking's mum say to him when he asked for £10?

"You can take a run and jump!"

Mum finds out child cheats in math test.

Mom says, "There is no cheating in this house."

Child: "Then why did you cheat with my math teacher last night?"

Kid: Hey, Mum, why are we pushing the car off the cliff?

Mum: Shut up, son, you’ll wake your father!

Why can’t someone say "ur mums gay" to an orphan? Because he doesn’t have a mum.

This kinda reminds me of when my mum was feeding me. She always used to say, "Open wide for the delicious plane."

Mum: If your friend jumped off a cliff, would you?

Me: Oh yeah, no doubt my friend wouldn't even have to jump first.

Your mum is so fat that when she sat on the toilet, she couldn't because her fat ass can't fit on the toilet seat.

Son: Hey dad, why is my name Canada?

Dad: Because you were made there.

Mum: We haven't been to Canada.

Dad: Hol' up a minute.

The average Irish person consumes 131.1 litres of beer, almost as much as your mum at night.