Mum jokes

Your mum is so fat that when she walked past the television, I missed a whole series of SpongeBob.

I have a daughter; she’s a fan. Her name is Penny. Fan she was born on the mountain Pen y Fan. I adopted her because her mum fell off the cliff after birthing Penny. It doesn’t matter, really; Penny’s mum wasn’t a big fan of her anyway.

I was on the train today and saw a cow on it.

It was quite strange until I realized it was Alfie's mum.

There was a solar eclipse at school and we missed it, but it was alright. Your mum went to NASA and recreated it herself.

Your mum is so ugly that aliens don’t come here.

Your mum is so fat, she thought Dunkin' Donuts was a basketball team.

Mom died, so I planted mums and forget-me-nots all over her grave site.

Your mum is so fat, when she reached for the remote, when she found it, it was crushed.

"Ur mum is big."

Orphan: What are you doing tonight?

Me: Your mum... oh wait, you don't have one.

What are the first four letters of the alphabet?

Mum: (noticing the child's hair is too long) "You need a haircut."

Brother: (winning a game on PlayStation) "Yes! Get in!"

Uncle: (making plans) "We're gonna go and see The Bodyguard."

Aunt: (singing a song from the show after overhearing the conversation) "I have nothing, nothing, nothing... if I don't have you."

Next day...

Student: I know the alphabet.

Teacher: OK, go on.

Student: "You need a haircut."

Teacher: How dare you make comments like this! Do you want to go to the headteacher?

Student: "Yes! Get in!"

Teacher: What do you think you're going to be doing?

Student: "We're gonna go and see The Bodyguard."

*In headteacher's office*

Headteacher: Now, I hear you were very rude to the literacy teacher earlier. What do you have to say for yourself?

Student: "I have nothing, nothing, nothing... if I don't have you."

"Mum, I just won this phone in a race!"

"Who was in the race?"

"The owner of the phone. And the police. I think they're at the door to congratulate me!"

The Britains walk in the house of the alcoholic grandad. They ask Mary, the mum, why she had blood all over her, and she said someone dropped the butter. They walked into the living room, and Thomas was dead on the floor.

What do you do after raping a deaf mute eight-year-old girl? Smash the little bitch's hands with a hammer so she can't tell her mum.

Go to the replies, look at the top and it will say "in your mum."

Your mum is so cool, she looks like a fridge. Quote: Jude Porters.

Your mum eats cabbage.

I told my Mum, "Will you remember me in 6 minutes, 6 hours, 6 years?"

She said, "Yes."

"Knock knock."

I said, "My mum, who's there? You didn’t remember me!"

Mum: Why are roses red?

Child: Stop, Mum, you never make jokes.

Mum: I made you.

I was absolutely fuming when I found out my mate was rifling through my mum's knicker drawer.

No one goes in there without my permission!