Mum jokes

"Ur mum is big."

I walk in on my mum and she's in the middle of pulling off my dad's boxers. I said, "Mum, you really spoil those dogs!"

Yo mama so fat, when she was telling me her weight, I thought she was telling me her number.

Hondo's dad and mum went up the hill to do it in the water.

Jack slipped, his condom ripped, and now they have a Hondo.

I fucked your mum!

Your mum is so fat, when she was sitting on a scale, the number couldn't even fit on the scale and came shooting out!

Q: What type of flowers do orphans hate? A: Mums.

My mum told me to stop telling the suicidal jokes.

I replied with: "Don't worry, suicide would be the last thing I'd do."

What does your mom say when she is working?

Nothing, it's rude to talk with your mouth full.

I caught my mom licking up and down and deep throating a banana. I said, "Why are you doing that?" She replied, "I’m doing it for practice for who could suck the best dick contest in the neighborhood."

Your mum so fat, she broke the stairs down to the fridge.

After having a win at bingo, Ethel splashed out on some venison for tea.

During the meal, her daughter asked her mum what it was, to which she replied with a little smile... "It's what I call your father."

Little Jimmy threw down his knife and fork and jumped up sayin', "Oh My God! Don't eat it!!! It's a fucking Dick!"

If someone is mean to an orphan just say, "I will call your mum," and make them cry even more.

African Kid: "Mom, can we have water?"

Mom: "Sure, it's in the house."

African Kid: *Goes to the fridge and opens the door searching for cold water*

The fridge: ERROR 404 Water Not Found

A little girl asks her mum, "Mummy how was I born?"

Her mother smiled and replied: "Once upon a time, your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth, and I took care of it every single day."

"The seed slowly grew more and more leaves, and in a few months it turned into a beautiful, healthy plant. So me and Daddy took the plant, dried it, smoked it and got so high that we fucked without a condom!"

Little Johnny was told by his friend that if you go to your parents and say: "I know the truth," they give you money.

So Little Johnny says to his mum, "I know the truth," so his mum hands him 20 dollars and tells him not to tell anyone. So when Little Johnny’s dad gets home, Little Johnny says, "I know the truth." His dad hands him $50 and says not to tell anyone. So Little Johnny tries it on the postman and says, "I know the truth," and the postman says, "Come here, son."

While I was waiting for your mum to waddle past, I missed a whole season of my TV show!

"Daddy, what are those two things on mum’s chest?" asked Tom. "Those are just... balloons," said dad.

(Later)

"Dad! I think mum’s dying!" said Tom. "Why?" asked dad. "Because uncles are blowing her balloons, and she said, ‘Oh god, I'm cumming!’"

Orphan: What are you doing tonight?

Me: Your mum... oh wait, you don't have one.

Your mum is so fat, she needs 3 different watches for 3 different time zones.