Mortality jokes
What's the difference between your job and a dead hooker?
Your job still sucks.
A doctor walks up to a dying man and sadly says: "I'm sorry, the test shows you only have 10 more to live."
The man says "10!? 10 what!? Years? Weeks? Days? What?!!?"
The doctor calmly replies "Nine".
Why do old people swallow popcorn kernels?
To make their cremation more entertaining when they die.
Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight. Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because he got hit by a car.
What's the difference between a child and a book?
One doesn't scream when you snap its neck.
Dwarfism is a growing problem.
Kidding, that’s not funny. My friend died of dwarfism.
He jumped off a curb stone.
You wanna know who didn't kick the bucket? Stephen Hawking didn't; nor did he bite the dust.
What's the difference between Isaac Newton and the baby I just stabbed to death?
Isaac Newton died a virgin.
What’s the difference between a child and a suicider?
One stays quiet forever...
Why did Joey drop his ice cream?
He was hit by a truck. (Don't worry, the truck was fine.)
You find some dust on the ground. Your friends dare you to snort it... Then you realize you're in a crematorium.
People say that life is short.
I say... life is the longest thing we ever do.
What's the difference between life and a rape joke?
Life fucks you until you stop breathing, a rape joke fucks you until it's not funny anymore.
So, a woman gets into a car accident and is in the hospital, and the doctor goes on to tell the man what is going on.
Doctor: "So, your wife, she is paralyzed from the neck down."
And as the doctor goes on, he says all the things the man must do for her, like feed her, dress her, etc. Then the man says, "Why, WHY ME!"
Then the doctor leans over and whispers in the man's ear and says, "I'm just fuckin' with you, she's DEAD!"
Suicidal people are groundbreaking.
The African kids' theme song is "Staying Alive."
Dark humor is like a kid with cancer. It never gets old.
30 people died in a car wreck before they got to Heaven. God asked for one wish because they died in a tragic way. The first lady, she was obsessed with her looks, so she asked to be beautiful and God granted her wish. The next person didn't know what to wish for, so they wished for the same thing. The guy in the very back was laughing, having a grand old time. Then God got to the person before the last. He said the same, he wished to be beautiful. When God got to the last person, he said, "I want them all to be ugly again."
My dad and cancer go into a fight. I never saw my dad after that.