“Dad, how do stars die?” – “Usually an overdose.”
I’m funny but sad I submit jokes you’ll love. Look for my name in jokes you’ve read. Anyway.
What did the man with no hands get for his birthday? Gloves. Just kidding he didn’t have the chance to open the gifts.
Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
Three men are outside Heaven’s gates waiting to be go to through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them “Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven”.
The first guy says “I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times”. The angel gives him an old model pick up, the second guy says “11 years and only once” and is granted a Mercedes.
The last man says “20 years and not once , I loved her with all my heart” and with the angel impressed he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says " I know we are dead but it could be much worse".
The guy looks up and says “How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard”
my grandpa has a world record for holding his breathe… hes been holding it for 6 years.
Rehab’s for quitters and I don’t give up
That one awkward moment you have to go ask your Chinese neighbor if they’ve seen your dog.
Women are like blackjack. I’m trying for 21, but I always hit on 14.
I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes. The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.
My family loves to have dance parties. My dad will just play music from his iPod, and I’ll go to the light switch and make a nice strobe light effect. Everyone loves it, especially my younger cousin. He gets down on the floor and starts breakdancing! It makes him so happy, and he needs that extra joy in his life, especially since the doctor recently diagnosed him with epilepsy.
My friend got mad when he caught me smelling his sister’s panties. I don’t know why he was mad, maybe because she was wearimg them, or because his whole family was watching. Either way it made the funeral a bit awkward.
I saw an Isis video and I got the theme stuck in my head. I was humming it the next day at work when my Arab co-worker said, “soon, my brother.”
A priest and a rabbi run out of a burning church and the Priest says “what about the children” the rabbi says “f... the children” and the Priest says "do you think we’ll have time
Santa was asked to describe Mrs. Claus in three words.
His response was “Ho ho ho”
Stop making 9/11 jokes, my father died in a plane crash
Best pilot in Saudi Arabia
I believe “Self-Babtism” is a nice way of saying “Failed Suicide Attempt”
Dark humor is a lot like food.
Not everyone gets it.
Where does a girl with one leg work? IHOP.
A man walked into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide, the librarian responds with ”f... off you won’t bring it back!”
When you going 80 mph and hit a speed bump Then the speed bump starts screaming