I believe “Self-Babtism” is a nice way of saying “Failed Suicide Attempt”

I’d tell a joke about my abusive dad but I only remember the punch line.

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day.

Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

What was Steven Hawking’s last words?

The windows xp log out sound

My cousin died last week he needed a blood transfusion but we didnt know his blood type he just kept saying “b positive b positive” but its hard to be positive with him gone

How do you start a rave? Throw a flash bang into an epileptic children’s ward

Three men are outside Heaven’s gates waiting to be go to through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them “Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven”.

The first guy says “I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times”. The angel gives him an old model pick up, the second guy says “11 years and only once” and is granted a Mercedes.

The last man says “20 years and not once , I loved her with all my heart” and with the angel impressed he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says " I know we are dead but it could be much worse".

The guy looks up and says “How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard”

I made a website for orphans, unfortunately it doesn’t have a homepage.

What do you call someone with an extra chromosome winning in a pool?

Posiedown.

What was the last thing to run through osama bin ladens mind? Probably a bullet.

Someone told me that you can let out all your anger by writing letters about everyone you hate and then burning them…

But I was just wondering… should I keep the letters?

The more suicidal people there are the less suicidal people there are

Mama Mia’s pizzeria and abortion clinic. Your loss is our sauce.

How do you embarrass an archeologist? You give him a tampon and ask what period it’s from

My family loves to have dance parties. My dad will just play music from his iPod, and I’ll go to the light switch and make a nice strobe light effect. Everyone loves it, especially my younger cousin. He gets down on the floor and starts breakdancing! It makes him so happy, and he needs that extra joy in his life, especially since the doctor recently diagnosed him with epilepsy.

Stop making 9/11 jokes, my father died in a plane crash

Best pilot in Saudi Arabia

Cremation, The last chance for a smoking hot body.

I love how in horror movies the person calls out, “Hello,” as if the psycho will answer, “Hey, what’s up, I’m in the kitchen. Want a sandwich?”

When you going 80 mph and hit a speed bump Then the speed bump starts screaming

3 europeans come to America. They all get captured by native americans and they want to kill them. But the europeans beg to have their lives spared. The native americans agreed to not kill them on one condition: the europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit and they will be informed what to do with it. So the first guy comes back with a peach. The native american says "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass and he laughs, and the native americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The native american tells him the same thing. He laughs and the native american kills him. They both see eachother in heaven and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy so thats why I laughed, but you had a grape, what happened?" The second guy says, “Oh yea I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!”

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