I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike, there may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until i find one, i’m stuck here holding my rod

I’d tell a joke about my abusive dad but I only remember the punch line.

Grandpa: you can’t have phones within 15 feet of the table Me: and you aren’t allowed within 100 feet of the elementary school

Surveys say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. That means the 5th one likes it.

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.

I asked the doctor doing my prostate exam where i should put my pants. “next to mine” was not the answer i was expecting

An American is lecturing a British person, saying things like “it’s an elevator not a lift” and “it’s chips not crisps” etc. After a while of this the British person calmly retorted “they’re schools, not shooting ranges”.

“I’m sorry” and “I apologise” mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.

Kids in the backseat make accidents and accidents in the back seat make kids.

How do you start a rave? Throw a flash bang into an epileptic children’s ward

How do you make any salad into a caesar salad?

Stab it twenty three times.

Student: 503 bricks are on a plane. 1 falls off. How many are left?

Teacher: 502.

Student: How do you put an elephant in a fridge?

Teacher:No you can’t fit an elephant in a fridge!!

Student: Just open door, put elephant in, close door.

Student: How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?

Teacher: open door,put giraffe in, close door

Student: no! Open door, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close door.

Student: The Lion King is having a B-day party. All the animals are there, except one. Which one? Teacher: let me guess the lion?

Student: No!The giraffe because He’s in a fridge.

Teacher: WOW!

Student: Sally has to get across a large river home to many alligators. They are very dangerous, but Sally swims across safely. How?

Teacher: Sally stepped on the alligators mouth?

Student:The gators are at the party.

Student: But Sally dies anyway. Why?

Teacher:She drowned?!

Student: no! She got hit in the head by a flying brick.

There are some sounds that everyone loves…

• Shoes on gravel
• Crackling of fire
• The snapping necks of those who think they can disrespect you
• Cats purring

What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

I’ve been looking for my ex girlfriend’s killer for the past two years. But no one would do it.

When the cannibal was late for dinner, he got the cold shoulder.

My family is like a cactus; A bunch of pricks.

Head of Company: We need to stop testing our products on animals. Consultant: Why? The shampoo companies do it. Head of Company: Yeah, but we make dildos.

What do you take care of after a car crash? The witnesses