Without women sex would be a pain in the ass

Why did Hitler commit suicide? He saw the gas bill.

Someone told me that you can let out all your anger by writing letters about everyone you hate and then burning them…

But I was just wondering… should I keep the letters?

When Jim was playing on his phone, my grandfather told him, “You use way too much technology!”. Jim then said, “No, YOU use too much technology!” and then Jim disconnected his grandfather’s life support.

My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”

Wanna hear some famous last words? “We are just experiencing some turbulence”

Why was the guitar teacher arrested? For fingering a minor.

What does PEMDAS stand for?

Please End My Depression And Suffering

So a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods. Boy “hey mister its getting dark out and I’m scared” Man “how do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone”

Abner’s wife was laying on her death bed. She suddenly used all her strength to sit up and say to her husband, “I must tell you something, or my soul will never know peace. I have been unfaithful to you, Abner. In this very house, not one month ago.” “Hush, dear,” soothed Abner. “I know all about it. Why else have I poisoned you?”

My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10.

Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9!

That’s the best I’ve done so far.

What was Steven Hawking’s last words?

The windows xp log out sound

What does a wizard say when doing drugs? Injecto Patronum!

What’s a perfect example of poor management? A prostitute getting pregnant.

A little boy and a little girl are taking a bath together. The little girl looks down at the boy and says, “Can I touch it?”. The little boy looks back at her and says, “Hell no, you already broke yours off!”.

When you send nudes to your roblox gf and your uncle’s phone sounds with a text tone…

My dad was a master of his art; being compared to Houdini. Due his skill in disappearing.

How do you throw a surprise party at a hospital?

Bring a strobe light into the epilepsy ward.

“I hate going to weddings, because the old lady next to you always whispers in your ear, ‘You’re next.’ So I started doing the same to them at funerals, ‘You’re next.’”

What’s the worst part about breaking up with a Japanese person

You have to drop the bomb twice before they get the message

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