So a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods. Boy “hey mister its getting dark out and I’m scared” Man “how do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone”

Abner’s wife was laying on her death bed. She suddenly used all her strength to sit up and say to her husband, “I must tell you something, or my soul will never know peace. I have been unfaithful to you, Abner. In this very house, not one month ago.” “Hush, dear,” soothed Abner. “I know all about it. Why else have I poisoned you?”

When you send nudes to your roblox gf and your uncle’s phone sounds with a text tone…

“You’re da bomb!” “No, you’re da bomb!”

In America, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument.

Would you like to try African food??

They would too.

Any joke can be funny with the right delivery. Except Abortion jokes, because there is no delivery.

If you had 10 chicken nuggets and Jimmy tried to steal one, what would you have?

10 chicken nuggets and a dead Jimmy.

My dad was a master of his art; being compared to Houdini. Due his skill in disappearing.

Titanic: “And I’m nominating everyone on board for the Ice Bucket challenge!”

I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes. The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.

My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”

I opened a company selling landmines disguised as prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof

Say what you want about Hitler, he wasn’t all that bad. After all, he killed Hitler.

My family is like a cactus; A bunch of pricks.

Wanna hear some famous last words? “We are just experiencing some turbulence”

if you’re ever bored, punch an orphan. what are they gonna do? tell their parents?

Steven Hawking said there is no God, Then God said there is no Steven Hawking

What’s black, white, and red? A nun that fell down a 100 flight of stairs. What’s black, white, and laughing? The nun that pushed her!

What’s the worst part about breaking up with a Japanese person

You have to drop the bomb twice before they get the message

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