How do you embarrass an archeologist? You give him a tampon and ask what period it’s from
What flour do you give a orphan
Rehab’s for quitters and I don’t give up
Grandpa: you can’t have phones within 15 feet of the table Me: and you aren’t allowed within 100 feet of the elementary school
The weirdest thing happened yesterday. My dad came back from work…
He’s a suicide bomber.
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.
Its sad how families can be torn apart from something as simple as- wild dogs
When Jim was playing on his phone, my grandfather told him, “You use way too much technology!”. Jim then said, “No, YOU use too much technology!” and then Jim disconnected his grandfather’s life support.
Do you know a way to really freak out someone that works at a car dealership?
You say “Tell me if you can hear me”, then get in the trunk and start screaming.
The colours red, white and blue are the colours of freedom. Until they are flashing behind you.
Everything dissapers in the Bermuda triangle Except my depression
whats the difference between Chris Brown and Santa.
Santa stops at 3 hoes
“You’re da bomb!” “No, you’re da bomb!”
In America, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument.
After my wife died, I couldn’t even look at another woman for 10 years. But now that I’m out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it!
School shooting happens
Foreign exchange student: Sobbing under desk
American student: “First time?”
If you push some one that’s bullying, if you kill some one that’s murder, if there is no evidence it’s nothing
What pool never runs dry? The one on the Titanic.
I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping up onions which made me cry.
Onions was a good dog.
I bet my friend $5 that he would die drowning.
A depressing but satisfying victory.
If you had 10 chicken nuggets and Jimmy tried to steal one, what would you have?
10 chicken nuggets and a dead Jimmy.