The Toaster;

other wise known as, the ultimate bath bomb.

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver

My cousin died last week he needed a blood transfusion but we didnt know his blood type he just kept saying “b positive b positive” but its hard to be positive with him gone

Two kids were beating up a kid in an ally, so I stepped into help. He didn’t stand a chance against the three of us.

My family is like a treasure…

You need a map and shovel to find them.

Why are priests called father? because its too suspicious to call them daddy.

What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a pile of dead bodies

I dont have a Lamborghini in my garage

Where did Suzy go after getting lost on a minefield?

Everywhere

“Hey today was great” “What happened” “I ran into my ex today” “What’s so great about that?” “I was in my car”

My grandfather has the heart of a lion… And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

There are five cows on a farm, one mamma cow and four baby calves. The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, “Momma, why is my name Rose?” The mommy cow replies, “Well honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born.” The next calf comes up and asks, “Momma, why is my name Lily?” The mother replies, “Because honey, a lily petal fell on your head when you were born.” The third baby comes up and asks, “Momma, why is my name Daisy?” The momma cow again replieds" Well, when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head." The final baby walks over and says, “Huh Ruh Buh Duh!” The momma cow says, “Shut up, Cinderblock!”

One day a father and a daughter were at a park. The daughter accidentally kills a butterfly. The father says, “Just because you killed the butterfly, you don’t get butter for a week.” They were there the next day, and the daughter kills a cockroach. The father laughs and says, “Nice try.”

Genders are like the twin towers. There used to be two of them and now it’s a sensitive subject

How do you embarrass an archeologist? You give him a tampon and ask what period it’s from

My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like

“You’re da bomb!” “No, you’re da bomb!”

In America, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument.

Say what you want about Pedophiles but at least they drive slow through school zones

What’s yellow and can’t swim? A bus full of children

What was the last thing to run through osama bin ladens mind? Probably a bullet.

Wife:Honey im pregnant

Husband:Hi Pregnant im dad

Wife:No you’re not

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