i remember my grandfathers last words: “is that loaded?”

A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of child birth to the father. He asks if it is ok to use the new device. The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.

Today in math class we had to do an activity where we had to flip coins. The teacher said that we had to flip some coins, remove all of the heads, count them, and put the rest of the coins back in the cup and repeat until we had no coins left. I’m not sure what we were supposed to get out of that activity, but I got 15 dead bodies.

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver

My family is like a treasure…

You need a map and shovel to find them.

When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember, there are no speed bumps.

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

Women are like blackjack. I’m trying for 21, but I always hit on 14.

I tried to make vegetable soup today, but the wheelchair didn’t fit in the pot.

Who are the fastest readers?

911 victims. They went through 88 stories in 7 seconds.

If you die a virgin, then where does your v-card go? Does it go with you to the grave or does your mortician take it from you?

Why are priests called father? because its too suspicious to call them daddy.

3 citizens were going through an exam to become agents of the FBI, their instructor handed the first guy a gun in a room with his wife and said he had to shoot them, he walked out in shame and said he couldn’t do it. The second guy had the same scenario, he put the gun up but couldn’t pull the trigger so he walked out in shame. The third guy was put in the same scenario, he walked out and told the instructor, “The gun wasn’t loaded, I had to strangle the bitch.”

Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy. You wouldn’t believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.

The Toaster;

other wise known as, the ultimate bath bomb.

There are some sounds that everyone loves…

  • Shoes on gravel
  • Crackling of fire
  • The snapping necks of those who think they can disrespect you
  • Cats purring

My grandfather has the heart of a lion… And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

There are five cows on a farm, one mamma cow and four baby calves. The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, “Momma, why is my name Rose?” The mommy cow replies, “Well honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born.” The next calf comes up and asks, “Momma, why is my name Lily?” The mother replies, “Because honey, a lily petal fell on your head when you were born.” The third baby comes up and asks, “Momma, why is my name Daisy?” The momma cow again replieds" Well, when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head." The final baby walks over and says, “Huh Ruh Buh Duh!” The momma cow says, “Shut up, Cinderblock!”

I asked the doctor doing my prostate exam where i should put my pants. “next to mine” was not the answer i was expecting

Genders are like the twin towers. There used to be two of them and now it’s a sensitive subject

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