Morbid jokes

Murder is the same as suicide, except the other person is doing it for you.

What do you call it when a Mexican and a pedophile fight?

Alien vs Predator.

How can you tell when a cabbage is boiled?

The wheelchair floats to the top.

A man asks a woman, "Are you a school?"

The woman replies, "No, why?"

The man says, "Oh, I wanted to shoot my kid inside of you."

Knock knock! Who's there? It's Dave! Dave who? Dave proceeds to break down crying at the realization that his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she no longer remembers him.

In 2016, Americans took "Orange is the New Black" to a whole other level.

What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn't matter, he isn't coming to you.

What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy?

Gang rape.

I just found out my ex got stabbed today... let's just say I lost my job as a butcher.

Do you want to know how to make a Smurf? CHOKE A MIDGET!

There's nothing more depressing than a failed suicide attempt.

What do you call a redneck on fire?

A fire cracker.

So this guy is talking to his buddy about his flying lessons. "My first time in the air, my instructor informed me that he was an 8th degree black belt and homosexual, and if I don't succumb to his sexual advances I would have to jump out of the plane," and his buddy says, "Well, did you jump?" The guy says, "Yeah, a little at first."

A is for Amy who fell down the stairs.

B is for Basil assaulted by bears.

C is for Clara who wasted away.

D is for Desmond thrown out of a sleigh.

E is for Ernest who choked on a peach.

F is for Fanny sucked dry by a leech.

G is for George smothered under a rug.

H is for Hector done in by a thug.

I is for Ida who drowned in a lake.

J is for James who took lye by mistake.

K is for Kate who was struck with an axe.

L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks.

M is for Maud who was swept out to sea.

N is for Neville who died of ennui.

O is for Olive run through with an awl.

P is for Prue trampled flat in a brawl.

Q is for Quentin who sank in a mire.

R is for Rhoda consumed by a fire.

S is for Susan who perished of fits.

T is for Titus who flew into bits.

U is for Una who slipped down a drain.

V is for Victor squashed under a train.

W is for Winnie embedded in ice.

X is for Xerxes devoured by mice.

Y is for Yorick whose head was knocked in.

Z is for Zillah who drank too much gin.

When the Lego box says 6-99 years but you eat it in 20 minutes.

What do you call a peanut on the allergy table?

A kill streak.

What's the difference between Mexicans and stoners? Stoners actually have papers.

How do you pet a psychopath's cat?

You get it out of the microwave.

Welcome to the abortion clinic. You make 'em, we scrape 'em. No fetus can beat us.

How did they know that Princess Diana had dandruff?

They found her head and shoulders in the glove compartment...