Morbid jokes

One time this kid came back from school and said, "Mom I have one good news and one bad news, which one do you wanna hear first?" And his mom said, "Good news please," and the boy said, "I got 100% on my math test today." and his mom gave him a hug, and the boy said, "Now to the bad news, I LIED!"

I'd make 9/11 jokes, but they'd just crash and burn.

Never invest in funerals. It's a dying industry.

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

What's the hardest part about being a pedophile? Fitting in.

My family loves to have dance parties. My dad will just play music from his iPod, and I'll go to the light switch and make a nice strobe light effect. Everyone loves it, especially my younger cousin. He gets down on the floor and starts breakdancing! It makes him so happy, and he needs that extra joy in his life, especially since the doctor recently diagnosed him with epilepsy.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

You got a dig bick.

You read that wrong.

You read that wrong too.

Maybe you read that wrong as well.

You just went and back-checked.

You reread all of that.

You have a pet wussy.

You read that wrong...

You need mental help.

What's the difference between dark humor and morbid humor? Dark humor would be saying, "ten babies in one trashcan." Morbid humor would be saying, "one baby in ten trashcans."

Dinosaurs are like my dad. I never got to see either of them, and they are now extinct.

Cremation,

The last chance for a smoking hot body.

What’s red and very rare?

A baby in a blender.

People always told me to open doors for elders. So I opened the plane door 5,000 feet up in the air for a grandma.

What do Michelangelo and Kurt Cobain have in common? They both used their brains to paint the ceiling.

I'm not saying I hate you, but if you got hit by a bus, I'd be driving that bus.

My memes are ironic, but my depression is chronic.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

9/11.

9/11 who?

You said that you would never forget!

My family is like a cactus; a bunch of pricks.

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing, you've told her twice.

Do you know a way to really freak out someone that works at a car dealership?

You say, "Tell me if you can hear me," then get in the trunk and start screaming.