Morbid jokes
When Steven Hawking realizes heaven is only a stairway away.
What's the difference between Chris Brown and Santa?
Santa stops at 3 hoes.
Q: What did one emo kid say to the other emo kid?
A: Wanna hang out?
How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a light bulb? Obviously not 8, because it's still dark in my basement.
When the cannibal was late for dinner, he got the cold shoulder.
My grandpa may be a pedo, but at least he slows down in the school car park.
What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?
Hit your wife harder.
You have a six-minute timer to live, but when you breathe, it resets.
What is the difference between a coconut and your ex?
One is fun to knock down by throwing rocks at, the other one is a coconut.
If you push someone that's bullying, if you kill someone that's murder, if there is no evidence it's nothing.
Just noticed something: all celebrities die badly except for Elvis. He had a relief after Taco Bell.
Did you hear about the Pillsbury Dough Boy? He died of a yeast infection.
Boy 1: "Sonic is a fictional character."
Boy 2: "Yeah, just like your dad."
Three nuns are talking, and the first nun says, "You would never believe what I discovered." Intrigued, the others signal her to continue. "I found a phone in the priest's room," said the first nun. "Oh, that's nothing," said the second one. "I found condoms in one of his drawers." said the second one. "What did you do with them?" said the first nun. Pridefully, the second nun responds with, "I poked holes in all of them." and the third nun says, "Oh sh*t...."
What's the difference between an American 12-year-old and an African 12-year-old? About 40 pounds.
I had a friend who was a deep sleeper. One day, a fire started in his house. Now he's a really deep sleeper.
Welcome to the abortion clinic. You make 'em, we scrape 'em. No fetus can beat us.
I told my friend yesterday he's literally my dad. He didn't show up for the rest of the year.
Why did the little boy drop his ice cream? He got hit by a bus.
A is for Amy who fell down the stairs.
B is for Basil assaulted by bears.
C is for Clara who wasted away.
D is for Desmond thrown out of a sleigh.
E is for Ernest who choked on a peach.
F is for Fanny sucked dry by a leech.
G is for George smothered under a rug.
H is for Hector done in by a thug.
I is for Ida who drowned in a lake.
J is for James who took lye by mistake.
K is for Kate who was struck with an axe.
L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks.
M is for Maud who was swept out to sea.
N is for Neville who died of ennui.
O is for Olive run through with an awl.
P is for Prue trampled flat in a brawl.
Q is for Quentin who sank in a mire.
R is for Rhoda consumed by a fire.
S is for Susan who perished of fits.
T is for Titus who flew into bits.
U is for Una who slipped down a drain.
V is for Victor squashed under a train.
W is for Winnie embedded in ice.
X is for Xerxes devoured by mice.
Y is for Yorick whose head was knocked in.
Z is for Zillah who drank too much gin.