Today I learned that a group of piranhas can maul a small child down to the bone in under 20 seconds. Well I lost my job at the aquarium today.
A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and asks do you have any problems with shit sticking to your fur and the rabbit says no So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit
How do you find a blind man at a nude beach?
It isn't hard
Pedophiles don't win races because they like to come in a little behind.
Murder is the same as suicide except the other person is doing it for you
sticks and stones may break my bones but a crowbar could do it so much quicker
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds. An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a long and difficult search, he traced the bandit to his home town. On a hunch, he checked the town's cantina, and sure enough, there was the robber. The only other people in the bar were the bartender and a scrawny, older man at a back table. The time was right to make a move. The ranger drew his revolver, charged into the cantina, and announced: "You are under arrest. I get a reward for you, dead or alive. Tell me where the money is, and I'll let you live. If you don't, I'll shoot you right here, and save myself the trouble of having to take you back to Texas alive." But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. As it turned out, the scrawny man at the back of the bar happenedd to be a lawyer. He knew the robber, and was bilingual, and quickly offered to translate for the two of them. The ranger said: "Tell him that if he doesn't tell me where the loot is, I'll shoot him here and now." Upon hearing what the Ranger had said, and seeing the cold look in his eye, the bandit knew that the Ranger meant it - if he did not give up his loot, he was a dead man. Terrified, the bandit blurted out in Spanish that the loot was buried in an old barn at the outskirts of town. "What did he say?" asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered: "He said, 'You don't have the nerve to shoot me, Yankee swine.'"
My favorite sex position is the JFK. I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.
Broccoli is like anal sex.
If you're forced to have it as a child, you probably won't like it as an adult.
In Saudi Arabia, our pick up lines are, Girl are you a terrorist? Cuz you da bomb
What's brown and rather bad for your dental health? -A baseball bat
I like my couches like my I like my women... Old, used, and big enough to fit 3 men.
I find it ironic that the colors red, white and blue stand for freedom..... Until they are flashing behind you!
Knock Knock! Who's their? It's Dave! Dave Who? *Dave proceeds to break down crying at the realization that his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she no longer remembers him.
I started beating my washing machine beacause it wasn't working, my wife started crying.
If I make a summer camp for kids with concentration problems will it be a Concentration Camp?
What has 4 legs and 1 arm?
A Doberman in a playground.
i just found out my ex got stabbed today....lets just say i lost my job as a butcher
Friened says, "your so drunk last night, u throu a mushroom at a migit and said grow mario grow.
my girlfriend asked me if we could have anal sex and I said what's that, she said I fuck her ass, I said oh my uncle calls that shhhhh
