Morbid jokes
My dad and I went to the hospital once, and he said he'd be fine and it'd only take a few minutes.
Lying bastard never came out.
If you die a virgin, then where does your v-card go? Does it go with you to the grave, or does your mortician take it from you?
What’s the difference between peanut butter and a dead baby?
Dogs only lick peanut butter off private parts.
Say no to drugs, kids. Suddenly, the poster disappeared. I hallucinated. Must have been the cocaine.
What is a similarity between a pregnant 14-year-old and the fetus inside of her?
They both are thinking, "Shit! Mom is gonna kill me!"
- Mommy, I want a bicycle!
- Shut up, Sam! You've already got your wheelchair!
A boy walks up to a girl and says, "I would tell you a joke about my dick, but it's too long." Then the girl says, "Yeah, I would tell you a joke about my pussy, but you'll never get it."
A little boy and a little girl are taking a bath together. The little girl looks down at the boy and says, "Can I touch it?" The little boy looks back at her and says, "Hell no, you already broke yours off!"
Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick Jill's candy.
But Jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock because Jill's real name is Randy.
what's the difference between a baby and a trampoline? the trampoline doesn't cave in when i jump on it.
Son: Dad? Why is mommy no longer with us?
Dad: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Son: Why?
Dad: To get to the other side, but your mother only made it about halfway.
Two friends who've been bros for forever see each other in Wal-Mart in the card section. The first guy asks what he got his wife for her birthday. The second guy tells him he got her a Maserati and a card. The first guy tells him he got his wife a card and a dildo for her birthday.
The second guy asks why he got his wife a dildo for her birthday. The first guy says, "If she doesn't like the card I got her, then she can go fuck herself!"
My mom told me drugs are my enemies... but Jesus said to love your enemies.
A man walked into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian responds with, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back!"
A man wakes up in the hospital and says, "Doctor! Doctor! I can't feel my legs!"
"Of course," the doctor says. "I amputated your arms."
In life, it’s either yeet or get beat, and I clearly failed yeeting as a child, as my dad beat me.
Surveys say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. That means the 5th one likes it.
You find yourself stuck in a hole with a murderer, a rapist, and a lawyer. You're armed, but you only have 2 bullets left. What do you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
What's the difference between humans and bullets?
Humans miss John Lennon.
I was sitting with my little brother when he was about four-ish. He was starting to really like to identify objects for some reason, so he was showing me his toys. He grabbed his toy Mator truck and then pointed to the wheels, saying, “These are wheels.” I said, “Good job, yes they are.” Then he pointed to the bumper and said, “This is a bumper.” Again, I congratulated him. Then, he grabbed the toy’s wire with the hook at the end and said, “And this is a hooker.” I died laughing.