Morbid jokes

"Just say no to drugs!"

Well, if I'm talking to my drugs, I probably already said yes.

An elderly woman and an elderly man were at a retirement home.

The man was shuffling a deck of cards for a card game.

The man asks, "Is it your first time?"

The woman replies, "It's been a while since a man has asked me that."

Pinocchio goes to the doctor for a checkup. When he gets there, the doctor asks him, "Do you have cancer?" Pinocchio replies, "That was very straight up, but no, I’m pretty sure I don’t have cancer." After saying this, his nose grew.

I almost had a joke about Parkinson's disease, but I was too shaken up to say it.

What do you call a depressed emo? Dead.

Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.

Give a man a poison fish, feed him for a lifetime.

Why don't witches wear underwear?

So they can get a better grip on their broom.

Did you know cannibals ate KFC?

Kentucky Fried Children.

My brother called me short and ugly, so I called him an ambulance.

What is the fastest thing in the world?

James Charles when he sees little boys.

They found water on Mars. Mars:1 Africa:0

What do you get when you put a suicide bomber in a wheel chair? An RC-XD.

What is the difference between an apple and an orphan? Orphans don't get picked.

Kobe Bryant jokes just don't really fly well now.

The most confusing day of my life was when I found out my toaster was waterproof.

Gary and Steve are having sex and the phone rings. Steve goes to answer the phone and tells Gary, "Hey, don't finish yourself until I get back." After returning from the other room, there is cum all over the bed and wall of the bedroom. "Jesus, Gary, I said not to finish yourself until I got back!" Gary turns to him and says, "I didn't, I farted."

Jon said: What do you call a pregnant woman?

Mike said: I don’t know, what?

Jon said: Kinder surprise.

Someone at school judged my grammar.

I judged theirs by the terms "school" and "rifle range" being mixed up the next day.

Did you hear about the man who ran in front of the bus? He got tired.

A husband walks into his house to find his wife watching Gordon Ramsay's F-king cooking show!

Husband: "Stop watching that f-king sh*t! You can't cook to save your life!"

Wife: "So what?! You watch porn, don't you?!"

In Israel, they chop convicted rapists' balls off. Sure glad I don't live in Israel.

what's the difference between an onion and a baby?

nobody cries when you cut up the baby.