Morbid jokes
What do you call an epileptic in a lettuce field?
Seizure salad.
One time this kid came back from school and said, "Mom I have one good news and one bad news, which one do you wanna hear first?" And his mom said, "Good news please," and the boy said, "I got 100% on my math test today." and his mom gave him a hug, and the boy said, "Now to the bad news, I LIED!"
Why can't you fool an aborted fetus? Because it wasn't born yesterday.
Why did Tyrone drop his ice cream cone?
A: He got shot.
When Steven Hawking realizes heaven is only a stairway away.
What do kids and drugs have in common? I sell both of them.
What hit the floor first, the kid or the feather?
The feather.
The rope stopped the kid.
Why do lawyers use Viagra? To grow taller.
My little sister called my name a few minutes after I put her to bed. She told me that there was something in her closet. I checked the closet and told her there was nothing there, but told her she could still sleep in my room with me. I was thinking that was the best way to get her out of the room before he noticed I saw him.
what's the difference between an onion and a baby?
nobody cries when you cut up the baby.
Condoms? HA! Those are for pussies!
How do you make a builder cry?
Kill his family.
"Just say no to drugs!"
Well, if I'm talking to my drugs, I probably already said yes.
An elderly woman and an elderly man were at a retirement home.
The man was shuffling a deck of cards for a card game.
The man asks, "Is it your first time?"
The woman replies, "It's been a while since a man has asked me that."
Pinocchio goes to the doctor for a checkup. When he gets there, the doctor asks him, "Do you have cancer?" Pinocchio replies, "That was very straight up, but no, I’m pretty sure I don’t have cancer." After saying this, his nose grew.
In Israel, they chop convicted rapists' balls off. Sure glad I don't live in Israel.
I almost had a joke about Parkinson's disease, but I was too shaken up to say it.
What do you call a depressed emo? Dead.
Why don't witches wear underwear?
So they can get a better grip on their broom.
My brother called me short and ugly, so I called him an ambulance.