Morbid jokes

Can orphans eat at a family restaurant?

Why is the USA so bad at chess?

Because they already lost two towers.

I cried when my dad was chopping onions. Onions was a good dog.

What's the difference between a gay guy and a freezer?

The freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.

A girl asked me to eat her out one time... so I put her in the oven.

Last Halloween, I went dressed as a woman. When I rang the doorbell, an elderly woman opened it, and I made a grunting noise and knocked the bowl of candy out of her hands.

She immediately called the police and told them exactly what happened. The officer pulled me aside and asked me a few questions. First, he asked if my parents were here, and I said nothing. Concerned by my answer, he then asked if I was okay, so I said nothing. He asked me what my name was, and I responded, "Hellen Keller."

I was hunting at night for deer, and then I found one and shot it. I realized the deer I shot was actually my ex...

I told my friend yesterday he's literally my dad. He didn't show up for the rest of the year.

They told me I could never be an actor.

No one suspected me when they went missing the next day.

What do you call an obese man with bipolar? Twins.

In 2013, it was reported that China has lost around 28,000 rivers; over half of what they thought existed. Some say climate change is the cause, others say it’s their harsh, economic expansion that’s unapologetic to the environment.

My theory is that those 28,000 rivers were sold to underground river-sex trafficking.

Jeff, did you hear they're making a film about Jimmy Savile? It’s a very touchy subject.

Yeah, I did, Gary, but did you hear the reviews on the Bill Cosby film? People said it was so boring it put them to sleep.

what's the difference between an onion and a baby?

nobody cries when you cut up the baby.

Remember, kids: the school shooter can't get you if YOU are the shooter.

Teacher: What's your favorite animal?

Me: Desert Eagle.

Teacher: Why?

Me: 'Cause it fits in my backpack.

Kid: Dad, what is it like to be drunk?

Dad: You see those two trees over there? If you were drunk, you would see four.

Kid: Dad, there is only one tree.

What's harder than steel?

Michel Jackson in an orphanage.

My fifth wife asked me to help her dig in the garden. Here we go again.

I was making vegetable soup yesterday, but the wheelchair wouldn’t fit.

What's the difference between apples and orphans? Apples actually get picked.

I made a website for orphans, but sadly it didn't have a home page.