Morbid jokes
I started beating my washing machine because it wasn't working, my wife started crying.
Today, I learned that a group of piranhas can maul a small child down to the bone in under 20 seconds. Well, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it leaves and never comes back.
If you're American outside the restroom, what are you in the restroom?
European.
What are you on your way to the bathroom?
Russian.
Halloween! The day nobody questions the bodies dangling in your tree!
A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.
The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.
The astonished onlooker asks, “How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!”
The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.” He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out.
The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.
The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn’t slow down at all. SPLAT!
The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. “You’re really an a**hole when you’re drunk, Superman.”
What is black and screams?
Stevie Wonder answering the iron.
Why couldn't the Japanese man give a high five?
Because Logan Paul left him hanging.
What has 4 legs and 1 arm?
A Doberman in a playground.
Who are the fastest readers in the world?
9/11 Victims, they went through 89 stories in 7 seconds.
My favorite sex position is the JFK. I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.
Did you know that when pigeons have sex, they die?
Really?
Well, the one I fucked did.
What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it.
A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and asks, "Do you have any problems with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit says, "No." So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.
A husband got a message from his neighbor one day. It read, "Hey, I'm sorry I had to tell you like this but I have been doing your wife for months now." The husband went to go grab his gun and shot his wife. He hid the evidence and a few hours later he got another message from his neighbor saying, "Sorry, meant using your wifi."
How do you circumsize a hillbilly?
Kick his mother in the jaw
Did you know the pool in the Titanic is still full?
Broccoli is like anal sex.
If you're forced to have it as a child, you probably won't like it as an adult.
Children should never run with scissors, and lesbians should never scissor with the runs.
9/11 and Jenga are the same.
It's a controlled demolition.