Morbid jokes
So, a doctor walks into the room with a dying patient. He looks the man up and down and says gravely: "I'm sorry, you only have ten left." The other man smiles nervously and asks, "T-ten what doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?" The doctor calmly looks at him. "Nine."
A man gets kicked out of police camp after writing "Who's that Pokémon?" next to all of the chalk outlines.
Roses are red, That much is true, But violets are purple, Not F***ing blue!
What does Osama bin Laden have in common with Spongebob?
Both can be found at the bottom of the sea, filled full of holes.
Q: How many dead babies does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: I don't know, there are twenty in my basement, and my basement light still isn't fixed.
Iran: We can beat the USA.
Japan is typing...
The Toaster, otherwise known as the ultimate bath bomb.
I still remember my grandpa's last words: "Turn the lawn mower off!"
Dinosaurs are like my dad. I never got to see either of them, and they are now extinct.
What do you call a train with bubble gum?
A chew chew train.
Oh man, I'm depressed.
There was a costume party on Halloween. Everyone was there except one guy. Many people asked his brother where he was. His reply was, "Oh, he wanted to be our dad for Halloween."
What do you call an all-you-can-eat buffet for a pedophile? A school bus.
I was reading a book about an immortal dog yesterday...
It was impossible to put down.
What's the difference between a bus full of children and a fish?
The fish can swim.
My mom said, "Take out the trash," and I said, "Okay." The next day she asked, "Where is your sister?" and I said, "In line to get crushed."
how do you fit 4 gay guys on a stool?
you flip it over.
Three dead bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face.
The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the coroner.
"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The inspector then asks, "What about the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" asks the inspector.
"He thought he was having his picture taken."
I've been looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer for the past two years.
But no one would do it.
What do turtles and lesbians have in common?
They both choke on plastic.
Simplest way to tell if dogs are better than cats: My dog is named Curiosity, and your cat is dead.