So, a kid walks in the house and says, "Mommy, Mommy, I found daddy!" And the mother says, "Stop digging around in the garden, and let your father rest in peace."
A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.
The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.
The astonished onlooker asks, “How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!”
The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.” He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out.
The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.
The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn’t slow down at all. SPLAT!
The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. “You’re really an a**hole when you’re drunk, Superman.”
I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to join my family tree... She dropped the rope and ran.
If you're American outside the restroom, what are you in the restroom?
European.
What are you on your way to the bathroom?
Russian.
What is black and screams?
Stevie Wonder answering the iron.
What has 4 legs and 1 arm?
A Doberman in a playground.
Who are the fastest readers in the world?
9/11 Victims, they went through 89 stories in 7 seconds.
Today, I learned that a group of piranhas can maul a small child down to the bone in under 20 seconds. Well, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
Why couldn't the Japanese man give a high five?
Because Logan Paul left him hanging.
My favorite sex position is the JFK. I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.
Did you know that when pigeons have sex, they die?
Really?
Well, the one I fucked did.
Did you know the pool in the Titanic is still full?
Broccoli is like anal sex.
If you're forced to have it as a child, you probably won't like it as an adult.
What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it.
A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and asks, "Do you have any problems with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit says, "No." So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.
A husband got a message from his neighbor one day. It read, "Hey, I'm sorry I had to tell you like this but I have been doing your wife for months now." The husband went to go grab his gun and shot his wife. He hid the evidence and a few hours later he got another message from his neighbor saying, "Sorry, meant using your wifi."
Everything disappears in the Bermuda Triangle.
Except my depression.
My girlfriend asked me if we could have anal sex, and I said, "What's that?" She said, "I fuck her ass." I said, "Oh, my uncle calls that shhhhh."
Children should never run with scissors, and lesbians should never scissor with the runs.
Friend says, "You were so drunk last night, you threw a mushroom at a midget and said, 'Grow, Mario, grow.'"
