Morbid Jokes

The emo kid tried to high five the tree.

But the tree left him hanging.

So there's an orphan in a hospital, and the doctor walks up and says, "Sorry, kid, but this is a family hospital."

Patient: "I'm starting to forget things."

Doctor: "Since when have you had this condition?"

Patient: "What condition?"

A priest and a pedophile walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey Jim!"

How do you fit 100 babies in a bowl? A blender.

How do you get them out? Tortilla chips.

My boss had the heart of a child.

In a jar. On his desk.

My dad has the heart of a soldier, and a restraining order from the soldier's family.

What gets louder as it gets smaller?

A baby in a trash compactor.

I walked into the doctor's surgery and he said to me, "Pick a star sign, any star sign." I said, "Capricorn." He said, "Nah, you got cancer."

Why are Americans bad chess players?

They lost two towers.

I named my daughter Kennedy so when I talked about how her brain was shot out of her head, people just thought I paid really close attention in history.

What is the world's greatest invention? The ball gag, do you know why? Honestly, officer, I never heard her say no.

One night, I saw a woman sitting behind a dumpster. So I took her home. We talked all the way there. When we got home, I gave her a bath. Later on, things started getting passionate. We started doing intercourse, and some of the noises she made you would have thought she was still alive!

What do you call an epileptic kid eating fruits?

A blender.

You got a dig bick.

You read that wrong.

You read that wrong too.

Maybe you read that wrong as well.

You just went and back-checked.

You reread all of that.

You have a pet wussy.

You read that wrong...

You need mental help.

What's white and bloody?

Two doves in a trash compactor. Talk about a failed marriage.

So I was being robbed, and this guy had the gun to my head, so I told him he was holding it backwards.

So I was at home, and I went to take a shower, and I accidentally walked in on my brother having sex with some girl. So I left. A couple minutes later, I needed my headphones to listen to music, so I asked my mom where she was. She told me she was in the shower. Our house only has one bathroom. Sweet home Alabama.