Morbid jokes

Them: You want some Lucky Harms?

Me: What are Lucky Harms?

Them: They're Lucky Charms, but instead of being magically delicious, they're magically malicious.

So, a guy is evading the draft. The cops bang on his door, and he runs out the back, through an alleyway onto a road. He finds a nun and asks if he can hide under her blouse. She complies, and the cops walk by and don't see them. The man comes back up from under the nun's blouse and says, "Hey man, you've got a pair of balls!" The nun says, "I didn't wanna be drafted either..."

After a surgery, a man claimed he couldn't feel his legs. I replied, "Of course not, I amputated your fucking arms!"

My girlfriend broke up with me. She said I was a pedophile. I told her, “PEDOPHILE? Wow, that sure is a big word for an eight-year-old!”

Who are the fastest readers in the world?

The people in the Twin Towers, because they went through over 100 stories in less than 10 minutes.

Asian pregnancy test: Stick a Rubik cube into vagina. Wait 30 seconds, if it's solved then there's a little Asian in there.

So, I was fucking my daughter the other day and my wife walked in... I don't know what was funnier: the look on her face, or that the abortion clinic let me keep her.

How to know if your wife is dead? Well, the sex is still trash, but the dishes really start to pile up.

What is 6.9?

A beautiful thing ruined by a period.

What do you call it if your mom is a guy and your dad is a woman?

Transparent.

- Mommy, I want a bicycle!

- Shut up, Sam! You've already got your wheelchair!

How do you circumsize a hillbilly? Kick his mother in the jaw

Did you hear about the new Exorcist movie? The Devil came to get the Priest out of the child.

There's a plane going down over the desert with only 3 parachutes on board. There are four people onboard: the smartest man in the world, the best doctor in the world, an old priest, and a young nerd. The doctor says, "People need me for my medical skills," grabs the first parachute pack, and jumps. The smartest man in the world says, "People need me for my intelligence," grabs a pack, and jumps. The old priest says, "I have lived a long and happy life. You take the last chute." The nerd says, "Don't worry. There are enough chutes for the both of us. The smartest man in the world just grabbed my backpack."

And the lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.

What's green then red all over and goes 100mph?

A frog in a blender.

A condom and bungee jumping are exactly alike, if the rubber breaks, you're f**ked.

"I hate going to weddings, because the old lady next to you always whispers in your ear, 'You're next.' So I started doing the same to them at funerals, 'You're next.'"

I asked my mum why she’s depressed, she said her life has been a wreck. I asked how long has it been, she then asked when I was born.

There's no "I" in team, but there is a "U" in cunt.