Morbid jokes

What's a similarity between your best friend and a tree?

They both fall over when you hit them with an axe.

What makes a joke a dad joke?

I don't know. I don't even have one as an example.

The emo kid tried to high five the tree.

But the tree left him hanging.

Why did the little boy drop his ice cream? He got hit by a bus.

What do turtles and lesbians have in common?

They both choke on plastic.

I don't understand why in horror movies they make digging a grave look so easy. It usually takes me days.

What's one thing gay people can't draw?

A straight line.

Suicidal people are a big contributor to the rope making industry.

When the Lego box says 6-99 years but you eat it in 20 minutes.

I've been looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer for the past two years.

But no one would do it.

What's the best thing about abortion jokes?

They never get old.

At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”

I got a handjob from a blind woman the other day. She said, "It's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand." I said, "No love, you're just pulling my leg."

I'm starting to wish my grass was emo.

Why?

So it would cut itself.

Kid: What is between mom's legs?

Dad: Paradise.

Kid: What's between your legs?

Dad: The key to paradise.

Kid: Well, you better change the lock, the neighbor has the key to.

I saw an ISIS video and I got the theme stuck in my head. I was humming it the next day at work when my Arab co-worker said, "soon, my brother."

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

Someone told me that you can let out all your anger by writing letters about everyone you hate and then burning them... But I was just wondering... should I keep the letters?

Why did Steven Hawking only tell one-liners?

Because he couldn't do standup.

I believe "Self-Baptism" is a nice way of saying "Failed Suicide Attempt."