Morbid Jokes

What's the benefit of taking a depressed kid to the store?

Scan the wrist and you might get a discount.

What's the only time you can do almost whatever you want?

When you have a gun in your hand.

Sometimes you just need to take a drive through the city to clear your head.

-JFK

I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.

You're at your girlfriend's house for a family dinner. Your GF says, "Daddy, please pass me the salt," when you and her father begin to reach for the salt.

Little Johnny is walking around and peeks in his parents' room, catching them having sex. So he asks, "What are you guys doing?" and they reply, "Nothing, nothing! We're just, uh, making cake," and they send him away.

So he continues walking around, and he hears some strange noises coming from his brother's room. He walks in and catches his brother and his brother's girlfriend having sex and then asks him, "What are you guys doing?" and his brother yells, "Get out! We're making cake!"

So Johnny leaves and goes to his room. The next day the whole family is at the dinner table and Little Johnny turns to his sister and says, "So, you and your boyfriend were making cake last night, huh?" and she replies, "OMG! How'd you know!?" and Johnny replies, "Because I licked the icing off the couch."

You find yourself stuck in a hole with a murderer, a rapist, and a lawyer. You're armed, but you only have 2 bullets left. What do you do?

Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

I don't get why cancer is so hard to beat. I'm already on stage 4.

What's the difference between my dad and a hooker?

Hookers come back.

I don't understand why in horror movies they make digging a grave look so easy. It usually takes me days.

I like my women like my cigars: smuggled in from Cuba in a sack.

A man got in a bad car accident. He was at risk of losing his arm. The doctors had to perform complicated surgery on his arm. The man's wife visited after the surgery. The doctor came up to her and said:

"I have good news and bad news."

The wife said: "What's the good news?"

"We managed to save his arm."

"What's the bad news?"

"We couldn't save the rest of him."

30 people died in a car wreck before they got to Heaven. God asked for one wish because they died in a tragic way. The first lady, she was obsessed with her looks, so she asked to be beautiful and God granted her wish. The next person didn't know what to wish for, so they wished for the same thing. The guy in the very back was laughing, having a grand old time. Then God got to the person before the last. He said the same, he wished to be beautiful. When God got to the last person, he said, "I want them all to be ugly again."

What's the difference between a feminist and a suicide vest?

At least one does something when it is triggered.

I did a bungee jump for charity recently. It was called "spastics on elastics."

Straight people ask why gays have such a good fashion sense. Baby, we didn’t spend all that time in the closet for nothing.

I started beating my washing machine because it wasn't working, my wife started crying.

Why is the leaning tower of Pizza leaning?

It has better reflexes than the twin towers.

I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to join my family tree... She dropped the rope and ran.

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it leaves and never comes back.