Morbid jokes
I did phone sex, but I'll never do it again because last time my penis got stuck in the charging cord.
Ashes to ashes, priests prefer boys, 'cause they don't have to shave their asses.
You know you have a domestic abuse problem when you beat your dick.
An assassin is about to shoot his target, "I'm about to give you the JFK experience."
A father and a son were painting pictures together. The son and father were drawing the exact same thing to a T, and the son said, "What happened to your hand?" looking at the scar tissue near the father's knuckle. The father replied with, "You know what happened, you were there." The son continues to deny this until they both finish their paintings. They're exactly the same.
The father passes out for a few hours and wakes up to find that there's only one painting.
A 23 year old priest walks into a high school with an automatic weapon. He tells those who believe in God to stand up and leave.
To the children who don't leave, he says, "Do not worry my children, I shall make thou 'hole-y' as well."
He then proceeds to shoot all of the students left.
Why did half of the world go to hell?
Because they were laughing at morbid jokes.
(You've been warned!)
What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a light bulb.
What did the girl get for Christmas?
Cancer.
I could never forget my grandfather's last words. "Stop shaking the ladd-"
when the sus.
If you're sleeping, and you fall in your dream, you may have died, and the angels dropped you.
Or you don't wake up, and you were on your way to hell.
I was just sitting down when all of a sudden she screamed, "Help!"
My mom gave me a box of chocolates, and she said life is like a box of chocolates, but then it kind of tastes like dog shit.
My favorite website.
What’s pink, nine inches, and makes my wife cry when I shove it down her throat?
Her Miscarriage.
What type of bees give milk?
Boob-bees.
Watching "50 Shades of Grey" was more painful than my uncle fisting me as a kid.
Did you hear about Hellen Keller falling down the well?
She screamed her little fingers off.
Why did the pedo stop to help the little kids cross the street?
To get them in his van.