"How was your day?"
"It was great."
"What was so great about it?"
"I saw a puppy."
"Awww."
"And I ran over it :)"
Morbid Jokes
What type of pizza did the 9/11 victims order? Two planes.
Went swimming today and peed in the deep end. The lifeguard saw me and blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in.
What’s an emo's favorite singer?
Slash.
Imagine orphans watching Spiderman: No Way Home.
People always tell me to say no to drugs, but if I'm talking to drugs, I probably said yes.
Johnny Johnny?
Yes pa pa.
Eating sugar?
Yes pa pa, I am eating sugar because it is the only thing I can reach and you have refused to feed me for the past 3 days. You smoke 2 packs of cigs a day and you're mad at me for eating a little sugar. Smoking? Telling lies? Yes pa pa, you do all of those things because you're a chronic addict.
Why did Susie fall off the swing? Because she didn’t have any arms.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Not Susie.
A girl in my class started barking, and I yelled out, "Furry!" Everyone started laughing at her, and I felt bad. After school, I asked to drive her home, and one the way there I apologized and then told her to count down from 10 - 1. Before she said one, I yelled, "THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!" then I jumped out the car.
How do you start a dance party?
Go into the PTSD ward of an insane asylum and set off fireworks and watch the magic unfold.
What's pink and fluffy? Pink fluff.
What's pink and rusty? Madeline McCann's bike.
I'll never forget my mother's last words: "What are you doing with that sledgehammer?"
What did the leper say to the prostitute?
Keep the tip.
Me and my friend were roasting each other. She said, "You look like a Reese's cup." I replied, "You're so old, your pubic hairs are 50 shades of gray."
What do a bullet and a police officer have in common?
When a bullet kills someone, it gets fired.
What's better than 5 babies in one dumpster?
1 baby in 5 dumpsters.
What did one casket say to the other casket?
"Is that you coughin'?"
What's the difference between my basement and my garage?
One has a pile of babies' bodies; the other has their heads.
I will never forget my Grandpa's last words: "What are you doing with that rope and saw?"
Why don't churches have Wi-Fi?
They can't compete with an invisible force that actually works.
