Morbid jokes
Did you hear about the guy who got his entire left side cut off? Well, he's dead.
What is the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?
You can unscrew a lightbulb.
Some guy was mad at his ex-wife! So he threw a bottle of alcohol into her house when he was drunk.
And realized when he was being questioned for arson, his cigarette was in the rim of the bottle.
Have you ever been accused of a crime you didn't commit? Well, I have! I was wrongfully accused of larceny yesterday. I'm not smart enough for that, I just stole some stuff.
One of the most popular documentaries of the 2010’s was “Jiro Dreams of Sushi.”
One of the least popular documentaries was “Jiro’s Nightmare of Ass-Rape.”
Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump, and Angela Merkel are standing at the shore and are trying to impress each other with the accomplishments of their countries. Putin brags, "We have nuclear submarines which can stay underwater for six weeks without having to resurface!". Trump goes on, "Six weeks? That's nothing. I have the best submarines, they're underwater für at least three months!". Merkel is about to respond, when a giant steel colossus emerges from the sea. A hatch opens, a black uniform appears - "Heil Hitler! We need Diesel."
"I bought my little sister a trampoline for her birthday, but all she wants to do is sit in her wheelchair and cry."
The Make-A-Wish Foundation has gone too far. All of the Make-A-Wish kids asked for cancer to be gone, so they just gave the cancer to all of the Make-A-Wish kids.
What do you get when you put a baby in a box of razor blades and throw it down the stairs?
An erection!
Two people are sitting in a skyscraper.
P1: Hey, what wifi are you connected to? The company wifi is horrible.
P2: Airplane wifi.
Me traveling back in time to tell Americans there will be a big tsunami on 9/11/2001, and to survive it they have to climb the two tallest buildings in New York.
My dad is like my virginity. I lost him at 12.
My credit card is more declined than the love from my dad.
When you say to your friend, "I've got your back," then at his funeral you see in his coffin he's missing his middle piece.
Humans and sharks have something in common: the great ones are always white.
Dad: I'm dying.
Son: Hi dying, I'm [name].
Dad: Really, now is not the time.
Son: I'm sorry.
Dad: Hi sorry, I'm Dad. (dies)
This Native American won't stop talking bad about me, so I said, "Please stop acting like you first discovered this land belonged to your ancestors!"
A mom and her son are taking a walk when they pass a homeless man fapping. The boy asks, "What is that man doing?" The mom says, "Making pizza," trying to turn him away.
The son sees a dog fucking another dog and he asks the same thing. She says, "Making extra cheese." When they pass a window and see a couple doing it, he asks the same thing. She says, "Ordering the pizza."
Later that day, the mother says to the father, "I think I want to order some pizza with extra cheese tonight, don't know why that sounds good."
So that night, the husband who was watching tv yelled up the stairs, "Wanna order some pizza!?"
The mother replied, "DON'T WORRY I'M MAKING SOME!"
The son's voice followed, "I'M ADDING EXTRA CHEESE!"
What's the opposite of Christopher Walken?
Christopher Reeve.
What's the difference between an ISIS militant base and a Pakistani children's school?
I don't know, I just fly the drone.