Morbid jokes
I walked to the milk store and did not see my dad.
The next time you get a sack call, pick up the phone and say, "Welcome to Pete's pizzeria and abortion clinic. Your loss is next week's sauce. How may we help you?"
Jack and Jill Went up the hill to have some hanky panky.
Silly Jill forgot her pill. And now there's little Franky.
I was up all night because my neighbors were having sex.
*I was actually up all night watching.*
When the school lets you near children again...
I don't understand the plane crash at 9/11. My dad was a great pilot!
What does a lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?
"Same time next month?"
If per capita is an issue, decapita can be arranged.
Why can't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is.
Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, for instance when you push them down the stairs.
Where do you find a turtle with no legs?
Right where you left it.
Friend: How dark is your humor?
Me: It gets beat by the cops on a daily basis.
What's black and white and read all over?
A newspaper.
What's black, white, black, white, red, white, black, red, black, then red all over?
A penguin falling down the stairs.
A guy walks with a young boy into the woods. The boy turns to him and says, "Hey mister, it's getting really dark and I'm scared."
The man replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone!"
Latias is red.
Latios is blue.
You should always remember to put up your curtains because I Pikachu.
Why can’t blind people eat fish?
Because it is seafood.
I went up to a priest and asked if he participated in NNN. He replied, "How can I, with all these people calling me daddy?"
Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
What happens when you combine candy and dick? That creepy guy down the street!
A man gets an email from his doctor.
"Sorry for the delay on getting your prescription, it'll be at your house tomorrow."
The man thinks to himself, "Oh shit! Then what have I been taking?"