Morbid jokes

Why is Santa's sack so big?

He only comes once a year.

You looking for jokes? I have one: your life.

Before I die, I'm going to ask to be cremated.

Then I'm going to eat a bunch of popcorn kernels.

Then I'll die and get cremated. BOOM! I'm popcorn!

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack was surprised to see she had different eyes, and that’s when he realized... Jack had fucked Jill’s daughter.

I'm so mad I got arrested for rape, even though the girl never said no. The prosecution said she was mute, but how was I supposed to know? She never told me.

Danny Devito looks like one of those men with a short, yet thick penis.

I got detention one day. I don’t know why; I only slapped the emo kid on the wrist.

This one kid never stands up for the pledge of allegiance, and I'm tired of it.

Today, I push him out of his wheelchair.

Stop saying negative shit about dark humor jokes! If it bugs you that bad, then go away! That'll solve everything but world hunger and failed abortion.

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

What makes you think feminists can change anything?

There are 5 cows in a field. One of them is the mom, the rest are kids. One of the kids walked up to the mom and asked, "Why am I named Daisy?" and then a daisy fell on her head.

The second cow came up to the mom and asked, "Why am I named Rose?" and then a rose fell on her head. Then the 3rd cow said, "Why am I named Violet?" then a violet fell on her head. Then the 4th cow walked up and said, "Merrrbere." Then the mom said, "Shutup, cinder block!"

What do you call a midget with autism?

A weetard.

I must have at least 87 years of bad luck; every time I look in the mirror, it breaks!

What did they give Elmo before he left the factory? Two test-tickles.

How do you make a baby cry? You run over it with a lawn mower.

What's the difference between baby Jesus and the baby I keep in my basement?

Baby Jesus died a virgin.

An Emo kid in a tree falls. At the same time an apple falls from the same tree, what hits the ground first? The apple would be due to the kid's rope and noose.

What does a mother fear most?

Hearing "YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!" for 5 different men.

I hit my friend.

He's dead now.

I put on my hazmat suit, and grabbed my equipment, and said, "My time to shine!"