Morbid jokes
I went up to a priest and asked if he participated in NNN. He replied, "How can I, with all these people calling me daddy?"
Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
What happens when you combine candy and dick? That creepy guy down the street!
A man gets an email from his doctor.
"Sorry for the delay on getting your prescription, it'll be at your house tomorrow."
The man thinks to himself, "Oh shit! Then what have I been taking?"
What’s similar between the twin towers and Kobe Bryant?
They both can crash down.
"Grandma, tell me a story!" I said as we huddled near the campfire.
"Alright," she said, "Once, there was a tree named Timmy, he was my best tree friend. I used to read books under him and climb all his branches."
"Where is Timmy now?" I asked.
Grandma pointed to the campfire.
I wish I didn't have depression because all my friends have "BBC Bitch be crazy" disease.
Rock, paper, lesbians.
I got arrested because I cremated a guy. They said the guy had been alive when I burned him. I mean, it's an early cremation—what's the difference?
What makes a cult and a racist family of 5 common?
Not all are friends.
I wish the doctor would prescribe me some medicine that's actually useful, like cyanide.
Dark jokes are just like water.
Not everybody gets it.
Today I went to the doctor for a test, and he said I have 10 months to live.
So later that day I stabbed him to death, and the judge sentenced me for 15 years in prison. Problem solved!
How do you fit 27 New Zealand tourists in a 15-seater bus?
Simple. All in the ashtray.
Girl 1: Dad, why is my name Rose?
Dad: Because a rose landed on your head.
Girl 2: Hey, Dad, why is my name Daisy?
Dad: Because a daisy landed on your head.
Boy: Hitddvjkyrefbhhhrurrrr!
Dad: Oh, hey Brick!
I'll always remember my Dad's last words before he died on 9/11...
Allahu Akbar!
Roses are red, violets are blue, I have five fingers, and the middle one is for you.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but there will always be something that offends feminists.
I was sad, so I called the depression hotline. Turns out the depression hotline is where people roast you until you are depressed.
What objects have the most gravitational force?
A Lambo and a gold digger.