Morbid jokes
I hope death is a woman That way she'll never look at me twice
I don't like 9/11 jokes; they have a tendency to crash and burn.
How many babies does it take to paint a wall?
Depends how hard you throw them.
Someone dies.
Most people smother babies with love.
I smother them with pillows.
What's worse than getting raped in a cemetery? Finding someone else's semen in your mom's corpse.
Who reads the fastest?
The pilot of the plane who hit one of the twin towers. He took out 83 stories in one go.
What do a bullet and a police officer have in common?
When a bullet kills someone, it gets fired.
Elsa got a boyfriend, and the boyfriend wanted to try anal.
She wasn't too keen, but she just lay back and shouted "INTO THE UNKNOWN!"
When Chuck Norris wants to burn calories, he throws fat children into the fire.
What do you call a woman who says she can do anything a man can do?
Wrong.
What has 4 legs and 1 arm?
A pitbull dog coming back from the kids playground.
What's the difference between a smart blonde and a dinosaur?
The dinosaur once existed.
I love fire. My friends love it too. When I set them on fire, they run around and scream. They sometimes get so tired they immediately fall asleep forever. Also, they need a shower.
Why do orphans go to church?
So they have someone to call father.
Why did the murderer invest in condoms? To kill the future buyers!
I was at the bar late last night when a waitress screamed, "Anyone know CPR?" I said, "Shit, I know all the letters of the alphabet." Everyone laughed, well, except for this one guy.
"Lizzie Borden took an axe. And gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, She gave her father forty-one."
When you commit suicide in your house, that's suicide, but when you commit suicide outside, you failed your parkour.
What can change color and get beat up?
You.