Morbid jokes

Went swimming today and peed in the deep end. The lifeguard saw me and blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in.

A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

People always said that if you killed a murderer, there would be the same number of murderers. Why stop at one?

The doctor told me I had aids. I said, "It's your fault, sister."

What is the difference between a plane and a helicopter?

A plane hits a building, but a helicopter hits the floor.

What does a phone and a grandma have in common? They both die.

What's the difference between them? If you shove something up your grandma's ass, she won't come back to life.

What do you call an Asian man flying a plane?

A pilot, you racist fuck!

"What did the blind, dumb, paraplegic, dead, eight-year-old child get for their birthday?"

"Cancer."

What is red, green, lies in a ditch, and is covered in cookie crumbs?

...A girl scout that got hit by a car.

You find some dust on the ground. Your friends dare you to snort it... Then you realize you're in a crematorium.

Why did Mia Khalifa become so famous?

Because she blew up.

Today my EX got trampled by a bunch of horses, and sadly I lost my job as a horse trainer.

So I got my son a trampoline for Christmas this year, and he was so ungrateful, like he just sat there crying in his wheelchair. What has this world come to?

If you are going to make fun of someone, make fun of orphans. What are they going to do, tell their parents?

Double whammy.

Dark humor is like a kid with cancer, it never gets old.

I like my kids how I like my lights, Hanging from the ceiling.

You know that at Walmart they have backpacks next to the guns? Well, I thought that it was nice to see the bags next to the school supplies.

So I asked my mom for a bath bomb, she just gave me a toaster.

When is a right time to dance on a body? If it is under the floorboards.

I would tell a scoliosis joke.

But that would be completely out of line.

Before I die, I'm going to ask to be cremated.

Then I'm going to eat a bunch of popcorn kernels.

Then I'll die and get cremated. BOOM! I'm popcorn!