Morbid jokes
When the speedbump in a school zone screams, so you go faster.
Happiness.
A guy walks to his friend's house. His friend says, "Where is your girlfriend?" The guy says, "Meet me at the cemetery in a week."
If you want to see my foes, bring a shovel and bring a map and a getaway car just in case we get caught.
I was in Alabama last year. I walked into a store and noticed a couple kissing each other, and I said, "Excuse me, where is the bathroom?" The man said, "Right over there." I went into the bathroom and then heard the girl say, "Dad, I have to go to school soon."
What did the make-a-wish kid say to the staff? "I don't wanna go to Disneyland, I wanna live longer."
Me running after slapping the emo kid's wrist and saying, "I like ya cut g."
I bought a gun from Walmart today. I guess they knew what I was going to do with it, because when I pulled the gun on the cashier, I realized the firing mechanism was in reverse.
What is burned dark and glued to the wall?
A bad electrician.
What did the deaf, blind, mute, and paralyzed baby get for Christmas? AIDS.
What's the difference between a baby and a watermelon?
One screams when you put it in a blender, and the other one is a cooperative little fruit.
I went up to a priest and asked if he participated in NNN. He replied, "How can I, with all these people calling me daddy?"
When the guy next to you says that he kind of agrees with the villain.
Me watching a World War 2 documentary.
Boy: "My girlfriend didn't dump me, I dumped her..."
Off the nearby cliff.
I walked to the milk store and did not see my dad.
lowkey "discharge" is an ugly word. I prefer créme de la meow meow.
I'd tell you a Kobe joke.
But I am afraid it wouldn't land well.
At a date:
He: "I work with animals every day."
Me: "Oh, how sweet! What do you do?"
He: "I'm a butcher."
How did Stephen Hawking die?
He rolled too far away from the outlet on the wall.
Why did Yoda go to jail for rape?
He doesn't get consent; he just uses the force.