Morbid jokes
I was invited into a celebrity's house, that's what I told the cops at least...
What happens to Mary Poppins when the wind dies down?
*Mary Poppins seen falling in background*
I got a phone call from a guy labeled "assassin" saying my life will end soon. I seriously doubt that he w- *gunshot*
I was raised an only child, which really pissed my brother.
Why did Germany win World War Two? Wait—that's not right... um... excuse me while I look up who won the war...
*disconnected*
I got an F in science. F stands for Fantastic!
"This vacuum sucks!"
Vacuum: "Yes, I do."
Dad: "If they jumped off a bridge, would you?"
Tommy: "Yes, cuz there would be a body pile to break my fall!"
My friend just got a new house. He told me to make myself at home, so I threw him out. I hate visitors.
Officer: "Stay back soldiers, minefield!"
Soldier: "Let's clear the field!"
Officer: "Ok!"
*silence*
*explosion*
Where did my rabbit go?
*crunch*
Ok, I found this off of an internet meme, this isn't original:
*grabbing kid* Harambe: Ok kid, I don't have much time, but Obama's last name is- *gunshot*
Quiet kid: "I'm home!"
Parents: "What did you learn at school today?"
Quiet kid: "I've learned that I've had enough!"
When I was 8, my sister was half my age. I am 60 now, how old is my sister?
Comments: 30! Give me an easier question next time!
I must have at least 87 years of bad luck; every time I look in the mirror, it breaks!
Billy: Dad, I was shot by a sniper!
Dad: Uh...
*hides his rifle*
Dad: Ok kids, this selfie will just be me! *screen cracks*
Man: Hey Siri!
Siri: Yes?
Man: I'm desperate, will you marry me?
Siri: Uh...
*phone literally explodes*
I looked in the mirror yesterday. I still have nightmares...
Have you ever been accused of a crime you didn't commit? Well, I have! I was wrongfully accused of larceny yesterday. I'm not smart enough for that, I just stole some stuff.