Morbid jokes

What do you call an epileptic in a lettuce field?

Seizure salad.

I got an Xbox achievement the other day. It said "Trash Master," and everyone looked at me at the funeral.

I love me a nice tight pussy. That's why I'm in big trouble with RSPCA.

What do you call a terrorist in a wheelchair?

RC-XD incoming.

Why did the Nurse bring a red pen to work? To draw Blood.

Why did the M&M go to school? To be a smartie.

Why did the monkey bring a ladder to school? To be in highschool.

While I was out shopping, I tripped in a store and a lady would not stop staring at me. For fun, I said, "Sorry! It's been a while since I've possessed a body." She looked horrified.

Dads are like boomerangs... I hope!

Son: Dad, why is my name Experience? Dad: Son, Experience is the name we give our mistakes.

You won't eat a human, so why eat meat? Bold of you to presume I won't eat a person.

The worst thing about an owl is how they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.

My dad has the heart of a soldier, and a restraining order from the soldier's family.

I was anonymous with the previous jokes. I will now go by "I can fly! *falls*."

What's black and white and red all over? A mime I hit with my car.

At the restaurant, the waitress starts flirting with me. "She must have COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked. "'Cause she clearly has no taste." She responded.

I always say I'm single, which annoys my wife.

My doctor called me a "psychopath." How dare he?!? He'll pay for this!

Life is too short, just like me. Get roasted, short people!

I was sad, so I called the depression hotline. Turns out the depression hotline is where people roast you until you are depressed.

A person in NYC is shot every 5 minutes. Poor guy!

I was invited into a celebrity's house, that's what I told the cops at least...

What happens to Mary Poppins when the wind dies down?

*Mary Poppins seen falling in background*

I got a phone call from a guy labeled "assassin" saying my life will end soon. I seriously doubt that he w- *gunshot*

I was raised an only child, which really pissed my brother.

Why did Germany win World War Two? Wait—that's not right... um... excuse me while I look up who won the war...

*disconnected*