Morbid jokes
While I was out shopping, I tripped in a store and a lady would not stop staring at me. For fun, I said, "Sorry! It's been a while since I've possessed a body." She looked horrified.
Dads are like boomerangs... I hope!
Son: Dad, why is my name Experience? Dad: Son, Experience is the name we give our mistakes.
You won't eat a human, so why eat meat? Bold of you to presume I won't eat a person.
The worst thing about an owl is how they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
My dad has the heart of a soldier, and a restraining order from the soldier's family.
I was anonymous with the previous jokes. I will now go by "I can fly! *falls*."
What's black and white and red all over? A mime I hit with my car.
At the restaurant, the waitress starts flirting with me. "She must have COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked. "'Cause she clearly has no taste." She responded.
I always say I'm single, which annoys my wife.
My doctor called me a "psychopath." How dare he?!? He'll pay for this!
Life is too short, just like me. Get roasted, short people!
I was sad, so I called the depression hotline. Turns out the depression hotline is where people roast you until you are depressed.
A person in NYC is shot every 5 minutes. Poor guy!
I was invited into a celebrity's house, that's what I told the cops at least...
What happens to Mary Poppins when the wind dies down?
*Mary Poppins seen falling in background*
I got a phone call from a guy labeled "assassin" saying my life will end soon. I seriously doubt that he w- *gunshot*
I was raised an only child, which really pissed my brother.
Why did Germany win World War Two? Wait—that's not right... um... excuse me while I look up who won the war...
*disconnected*
I got an F in science. F stands for Fantastic!
"This vacuum sucks!"
Vacuum: "Yes, I do."
Dad: "If they jumped off a bridge, would you?"
Tommy: "Yes, cuz there would be a body pile to break my fall!"
My friend just got a new house. He told me to make myself at home, so I threw him out. I hate visitors.
Officer: "Stay back soldiers, minefield!"
Soldier: "Let's clear the field!"
Officer: "Ok!"
*silence*
*explosion*