Morbid jokes
I went to the zoo but all I saw was a dog.
Yeah, it was a shih tzu.
Doctor: I have bad news and really bad news.
Patient: What's the bad news?
Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.
Patient: What's the really bad news?
Doctor: I forgot to tell you yesterday.
If I was in a room with Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, Hitler, and my greatest enemy, I would pour out the bullets and beat my enemy with the gun.
BLM.
Riddle me this. Riddle me that.
Why did my parents never come back?
What do you call an epileptic in a lettuce field?
Seizure salad.
I got an Xbox achievement the other day. It said "Trash Master," and everyone looked at me at the funeral.
I love me a nice tight pussy. That's why I'm in big trouble with RSPCA.
What do you call a terrorist in a wheelchair?
RC-XD incoming.
Why did the Nurse bring a red pen to work? To draw Blood.
Why did the M&M go to school? To be a smartie.
Why did the monkey bring a ladder to school? To be in highschool.
While I was out shopping, I tripped in a store and a lady would not stop staring at me. For fun, I said, "Sorry! It's been a while since I've possessed a body." She looked horrified.
Dads are like boomerangs... I hope!
Son: Dad, why is my name Experience? Dad: Son, Experience is the name we give our mistakes.
You won't eat a human, so why eat meat? Bold of you to presume I won't eat a person.
The worst thing about an owl is how they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
My dad has the heart of a soldier, and a restraining order from the soldier's family.
I was anonymous with the previous jokes. I will now go by "I can fly! *falls*."
What's black and white and red all over? A mime I hit with my car.
At the restaurant, the waitress starts flirting with me. "She must have COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked. "'Cause she clearly has no taste." She responded.
I always say I'm single, which annoys my wife.
My doctor called me a "psychopath." How dare he?!? He'll pay for this!
Life is too short, just like me. Get roasted, short people!
I was sad, so I called the depression hotline. Turns out the depression hotline is where people roast you until you are depressed.
A person in NYC is shot every 5 minutes. Poor guy!