Morbid jokes

Little Natalie was playing with matches. Her mother caught her, took them, whupped her, and told her never to play with matches again.

A few minutes later, Little Natalie was playing with matches again. The curtains caught fire, and the house burned down.

Another few minutes later, when she and her mother were sitting at their neighbors', her mother told her: "If you think I gave you a whupping, wait till your father gets home!"

Little Natalie just cackled with delight because she knew her father had gotten home earlier and gone upstairs to take a nap.

How do you get an emo out of a tree?

Cut the rope.

What was the last thing to go through the heads of the 9/11 jumpers?

Their ankles.

What's the difference between a gay guy and a freezer?

The freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.

Teacher: Kids, what are some things you have that make you happy? Kid 1: I have my family to make me happy. Kid 2: I have my friends to make me happy. Teacher: What about you, Sean? Sean: I have to take pills to make me happy...

Don't let an extra chromosome get you down.

So, a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods.

Boy: "Hey mister, it's getting dark out and I'm scared!"

Man: "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone!"

What's worse than a dead baby?

A pile of dead babies. What's worse than that? The one on the bottom is alive. And what's worst than that is, the baby has to eat its way out.

What has 5 arms, 3 legs, and 2 feet? The finish line at the Boston Marathon.

What's red and screams when you shake it?

A skinned baby in a bag of salt.

What do you call a blonde in the freezer?

Her parents named her Cindy, so we should probably continue to call her that. She was supposed to graduate tomorrow.

What do you call a midget with autism?

A weetard.

What's the difference between Mexicans and stoners? Stoners actually have papers.

I named my daughter Kennedy so when I talked about how her brain was shot out of her head, people just thought I paid really close attention in history.

If you have a daughter, give her the same name as the mum; that way when you call for a beer, you get two beers, and when you call for sex, you get two sex...

How many babies does it take to shingle a roof? Depends on how thin you slice them. -Hope Marie Lawson

Eat my butt.

JFK did a good job spreading around on his final speech.

What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Porsche?

I don't have a Porsche in the garage.

My friends.