Morbid jokes

In life, it’s either yeet or get beat, and I clearly failed yeeting as a child, as my dad beat me.

Son: Dad? Why is mommy no longer with us?

Dad: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Son: Why?

Dad: To get to the other side, but your mother only made it about halfway.

Sally has no arms. What did she get for Christmas? I don't know, she hasn't opened it yet.

Jimmy: Your mom is gay.

Me: No, you.

Jimmy: I have no mom.

How did Helen Keller's mom punish her? She put her in a circular room and told her to find the corner.

So an orphan was crying in a corner in the dark. Then a man came over and asked, "Why are you crying?"

Then said, "Do you want me to get your parents?"

What do McDonald's and a priest have in common? They both stick their meat in 10-year-old buns.

My dad died lol.

How do you drown a blonde? You tape a mirror to the bottom of a 13-foot deep pool.

I like my women like a day: 24 year olds. 24 hours of fun.

Have you ever said no? Did they keep going?

There's nothing more depressing than a failed suicide attempt.

I saw a person raping a woman in an alleyway. I decided to help...she doesn't stand a chance between us.

Steven Hawking said there is no God,

Then God said there is no Steven Hawking.

Hippity hoppity, women are property!

A man walked into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian responds with, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back!"

What does Germany and the rest of the world have in common? They both use gases to poison one thing or another.

What has two legs and is red all over?

Half a cat.

The more suicidal people there are, the fewer suicidal people there are.

billie: hi.

me: You wanna hear a story?

billie: Yes, sure.

me: Once upon a time, I ran over your dog last night.