Morbid jokes

What shoes do pedophiles wear? White vans.

How do pedophiles fit in? They force it to go in.

How do you make a 16 mm hole into a 40 mm hole? A pedophile comes in.

What did Santa say when he was passing over some hookers? "Ho ho ho!"

How many dead kittens does it take to clog a pool filter? Seven when I tried!

Who do Chinese people name their kids?

Throw the forks and knives down the stairs.

A man goes for his annual checkup. Afterward, he's sitting in the doctor's office, and the doctor comes in with the results of his tests. The doctor says, "I have some bad news; you have cancer and Alzheimer's." The man replies, "Well, at least I don't have cancer."

What do you call an obese man with bipolar? Twins.

According to statistics, 5 of 6 people enjoy gang rape.

Adopted kid: I made a big mistake!

Dad: You are one.

What were Stephen Hawking's last words?

The Windows XP log out sound.

What’s the difference between women and condoms?

There isn’t a difference; they’re both throw aways.

There was a costume party on Halloween. Everyone was there except one guy. Many people asked his brother where he was. His reply was, "Oh, he wanted to be our dad for Halloween."

Roses are red, Burnt bodies are black.

You'd look great With a knife in your back.

What does your mom and a slinky have in common?

They aren't much to look at, but you can't help but crack a smile when you see them tumbling down the stairs.

Why does God hate me?

Because I'm a gay minority who fights for women's rights.

I had a horrible nightmare yesterday. I was in a room filled with all of my ex's, so I was completely alone.

My brother finally got his driver's license, so he took our new car out for a spin.

At least now I can have his phone he left.

I love how in horror movies the person calls out, "Hello," as if the psycho will answer, "Hey, what's up? I'm in the kitchen. Want a sandwich?"

Come on guys, please let's play Roblox. My name is xX_robloxGamer420Po_Xx.

Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?

When he asked who the best composer was, they all replied, "Bach, Bach, Bach."

My grandfather has the heart of a lion... And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

What’s Bin Laden’s favorite drink? Double Manhattan.