Morbid jokes
A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. "Jesus is watching you." The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing.
A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. "Jesus is watching you." Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual. He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it. Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, "Jesus is watching you." The robber realized it was the parrot talking!
Going to the parrot, he asks it, "Are you the one who's been talking to me?" The parrot responds, "Yes." The thief couldn't believe it. So, he asks another question. "What is your name?" "Ismael." the parrot replies. The man scoffed. "What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?" The parrot speaks yet again, "The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus."
I'm starting to wish my grass was emo.
Why?
So it would cut itself.
What do you call blue and orange at the bottom of a pool?
A baby with flat armbands!
What's the good thing about fucking 21 year olds?
There's twenty of them!
What's the difference between putting a baby and a pizza in an oven?
The pizza doesn't scream in the oven.
I hate these double standards.
If you burn a body at a crematorium you're "doing a good job". If you do it at home you're "destroying evidence".
What's the difference between a baby and garlic bread? I feel bad when I drop garlic bread.
What's the difference between a man and a table?
The table doesn't cry when I break its legs.
What’s the hardest part about f...ing toddlers?
My boner.
Q: What's the difference between me and cancer?
A: My dad didn't beat cancer...
My neighbor is like my marriage. They're both in the hole.
Hippity hoppity, Hiroshima, Nagasaki.
Did Jesus die a virgin?
Of course not, he got nailed before he died!
What did the make-a-wish kid say to the staff? "I don't wanna go to Disneyland, I wanna live longer."
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Depression medicine and therapy.
GO AWAY!
Things you never want to do in jail:
- Never piss off an inmate. - Don’t start fights with the cops. - Don’t drop the soap. - Don’t run away from the cops.
My mother wanted to test my responsibility and wanted me to cook dinner for the family to help me understand how it feels to constantly cook for a whole family. So, me with my horrible humor, decided to make a giant joke for when dinner time came around, and so I just got four plates and set them in front of my family and I then said, "Here you are, a fine African meal." Then everybody looked at me in disappointment, and then I continued to say, "What? Poor taste?"
In life, it’s either yeet or get beat, and I clearly failed yeeting as a child, as my dad beat me.
Son: Dad? Why is mommy no longer with us?
Dad: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Son: Why?
Dad: To get to the other side, but your mother only made it about halfway.
Sally has no arms. What did she get for Christmas? I don't know, she hasn't opened it yet.