Morbid jokes
Q: What is red, white, and blue and fun to watch?
A: A cop car rolling over after trying to catch someone for speeding.
How did the hillbilly mother find out her daughter entered puberty? Her son's dick tasted funny.
Who are the fastest readers of all time?
People who jumped out of the Twin Towers. Why? Because they went through 13 stories within 5 seconds.
Hookers are like drive-thrus; you tell them what you want, pay for your stuff, and leave.
What's the difference between an ISIS militant base and a Pakistani children's school?
I don't know, I just fly the drone.
What's a perfect example of poor management? A prostitute getting pregnant.
What do you call a burning church?
Holy smokes.
What do you get when you cross a highway on a bike?
Run over.
What's brown and rather bad for your dental health?
- A baseball bat.
The other day at school we had to write down our hero and what we would do if they walked into our house. I got off easy because my hero is Stephen Hawking.
What was the last thing that went through Aiden's head before he died?
His elbow.
Did you hear about the man who ran in front of the bus? He got tired.
What was blue and black and doesn't like to have sex... The little girl in my trunk.
I work with animals!
What do you do?
I’m a butcher.
Where did Suzy go after getting lost on a minefield?
"Everywhere."
Osama Spin Laden, dropping beats like the twin towers.
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?
He forgot to wrap his Whopper.
At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.
Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”
They laughed at my crayon drawing.
I laughed at their chalk outline.
I wasn't planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.