When I'm bored, I like to slap orphans. I mean, what are they gonna do, tell their parents?
Morbid Jokes
My dad is like the female wage gap: nonexistent.
What’s the difference between a bullet and a prostitute? They both burst a barrel.
When your girl is sucking your dick and chokes on it, not because it’s big but because you haven’t washed it in weeks.
If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?
I'm late for my interview! Do you know where the nearest sex offender registry is?
How do you get a Japanese fanclub?
Walk around with a bundle of gas masks!
There was a math teacher on a plane that crashed. What was the last thing that went through their head?
A pentagon!
(9/11 joke)
Space therapist in between the e and the r.
The rapists!
Why didn’t Harry Potter use the chamber to teach Dumbledore’s army?
Because at one point poisonous gases were put in it.
You should never try Afghan weed because people in Afghanistan get stoned to death.
Where do you find a turtle with no legs?
Right where you left it.
What is 6" long, bright red, and your wife cries when you feed it to her?
Her miscarriage.
What's the difference between me and a bus?
I'm not on fire...
What’s the difference between a Ferrari and a sack of dead babies?
I don’t have a Ferrari in my garage.
Deez nuts!
GOT EEMMMMMMMM!
A teacher gives her kindergarten students four flavors of lifesavers, and they have to guess the flavors. The students guess cherry, lime, and orange. They don't know the last flavor. So, the teacher gives them a hint and says, "It's what your parents call each other." [honey] But a little girl shouts and says, "OMG, they're assholes."
Me: Happy birthday! I got you a Rubix cube! Friend: I hate you. Me: Why? Friend: I'm color blind.
Why do emos cut themselves?
To play noughts and crosses.
My uncle died on nine eleven... he was the best pilot in Iraq.
