Morbid jokes
A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.
The cop asks the woman, "Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?"
She replies, "Well, there's a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers."
The cop asks, "So what did you do about it?"
The old lady says, "I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his penis through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!"
"That seems fair enough," the cop says, "so what's in the other sack?"
The old lady replies with, "Not everyone pays..."
Don’t you just wanna hang around, like Chester?
Okay, so basically I'm monky.
My life, your life, and your sister is a slut.
When you’re hunting at a forest resort and you shoot a deer, but then you remember that there are no deer at the forest resort.
I like my women like I like my steak...
Bloody.
What’s the difference between prison and concentration camps?
At least you don’t die when you shower.
My mom gave me a golden shovel and a hoe. I said, "Why do I need this?" She said, "That you every year."
Me: Have you ever tried African food?
You: No.
Me: They haven't either.
What did the girl get for Christmas?
Cancer.
What's the difference between eggs and you? Eggs get laid, you don't.
Q: What did the cannibal say to the leper?
A: You gonna eat that?
Rowan
When I'm bored, I like to slap orphans. I mean, what are they gonna do, tell their parents?
My dad is like the female wage gap: nonexistent.
What’s the difference between a bullet and a prostitute? They both burst a barrel.
When your girl is sucking your dick and chokes on it, not because it’s big but because you haven’t washed it in weeks.
If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?
I'm late for my interview! Do you know where the nearest sex offender registry is?
How do you get a Japanese fanclub?
Walk around with a bundle of gas masks!