I don't ever really bother women, but when I do, I usually just want to talk. I guess since I just so happened to be a straight male that's not a 10 or a 5, I get shutdown so fast. I put out lit candles...like damn, I thought I hid my ring.
Morbid Jokes
It's funny dating someone smarter than you. My girlfriend knows how to push my buttons but never takes into account what a dick I can be if need be. Let me explain. Say, for example, she calls me retarded, I remind her that she's dating me.
What do you do when you finish a magazine at a hospital?
Reload and keep shooting.
Imagine if on April first the government says, "Hahhaha, you all fell for it. Covid-19 is fake; we actually killed all those people, lol."
Jay and Andrew are best friends who are almost alike. The difference between them both is Jay is poor and well... Andrew, on the other hand, is suck-a-dick poor. Let me explain, Jay wakes up in his room, walks to the kitchen, and asks his mom, Lisa (I call her Lisa now, btw), if there is anything to eat. "No, bitch!" she replies, so Jay drinks a glass of milk and goes back to bed.
Now Andrew... wakes up, jumps out of bed, and he's in the kitchen. He sees his mom fixing some food for work after a long hard night of giving her husband blue balls. "Anything left for me, Mother?" Andrew asks. "Sorry, Honey, I have to eat to put food on the table and to get the running again." *so she goes to work, taking her time* Andrew sits by his bedside and says to himself, "Man... I'd suck a dick for some water right now." *his mom storms back after hearing what he had said* "I'll buy you a soda if you do my first customer for me!"
What’s the difference between me and Chester Bennington?
I know how to use an exercise band.
What's the difference between drugs and kids?
I don't sell drugs.
What is the difference between a rapist and a dictionary?
One of them knows the definition of no.
I wish my grass was edgy...
then it would cut itself...
Covid 19 stopped mass shootings faster than the Government.
Kid: "Hey dad, what's dark humor?"
Dad: "Go walk up to that homeless guy and throw a rock at him."
Kid: "But dad, I don't have any legs or arms."
Dad: "Exactly, son."
What is a kidnapper’s favorite shoe?
White Vans.
Guess what? If your mom ever wants to have sex with you, tell her to make another.
What’s red and goes 100 miles per hour?
Babies in a blender.
How do I feed the baby with my pants on?
I was just sitting down when all of a sudden she screamed, "Help!"
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
Whenever the hungry cannibal performs amputations, he says,
"Thank you for your donation!"
I took 7 coins from someone. He even came back from the dead to get them.
When you say to your friend, "I've got your back," then at his funeral you see in his coffin he's missing his middle piece.
