Morbid jokes

Jay and Andrew are best friends who are almost alike. The difference between them both is Jay is poor and well... Andrew, on the other hand, is suck-a-dick poor. Let me explain, Jay wakes up in his room, walks to the kitchen, and asks his mom, Lisa (I call her Lisa now, btw), if there is anything to eat. "No, bitch!" she replies, so Jay drinks a glass of milk and goes back to bed.

Now Andrew... wakes up, jumps out of bed, and he's in the kitchen. He sees his mom fixing some food for work after a long hard night of giving her husband blue balls. "Anything left for me, Mother?" Andrew asks. "Sorry, Honey, I have to eat to put food on the table and to get the running again." *so she goes to work, taking her time* Andrew sits by his bedside and says to himself, "Man... I'd suck a dick for some water right now." *his mom storms back after hearing what he had said* "I'll buy you a soda if you do my first customer for me!"

What’s the difference between me and Chester Bennington?

I know how to use an exercise band.

What's the difference between drugs and kids?

I don't sell drugs.

What is the difference between a rapist and a dictionary?

One of them knows the definition of no.

I wish my grass was edgy...

then it would cut itself...

Covid 19 stopped mass shootings faster than the Government.

Kid: "Hey dad, what's dark humor?"

Dad: "Go walk up to that homeless guy and throw a rock at him."

Kid: "But dad, I don't have any legs or arms."

Dad: "Exactly, son."

What is a kidnapper’s favorite shoe?

White Vans.

Guess what? If your mom ever wants to have sex with you, tell her to make another.

What’s red and goes 100 miles per hour?

Babies in a blender.

How do I feed the baby with my pants on?

I was just sitting down when all of a sudden she screamed, "Help!"

What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

Whenever the hungry cannibal performs amputations, he says,

"Thank you for your donation!"

I took 7 coins from someone. He even came back from the dead to get them.

When you say to your friend, "I've got your back," then at his funeral you see in his coffin he's missing his middle piece.

Every time I go to the store I look in the deodorant section and my dyslexia acts up. Instead of "antiperspirant," I read "antidepressant." At least I get a bunch of extra snacks out of my shopping mistakes.

A priest is drowning in a river. A boat comes along and asks to help him. He says, "Leave me alone, God will save me." The next day another boat came along and asked to help him. Again he said, "Leave me alone, God will save me." The next day the last boat came and asked to help him. Once again he told the boat that God will save him. The next day he died. He went to heaven and asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God said, "I sent you three f***ing boats and you didn't take them!"

Are you a toaster? 'Cause I wanna take a bath with you.

Are you a knife? 'Cause you make me wanna KMS.

Are you a painting? 'Cause I hang you.

Are you the flu? 'Cause you make me wanna hurl.

Are you a newspaper? 'Cause you have new problems every day.

Are you the ground? 'Cause I'm six feet deep in you ;)

How do pedophiles follow the law?

They drive it slow in the school zone.