Chiropractor: Final neck adjustment in 3, 2, 1. How did that feel?
Me: *silence*
what's the difference between morbid humor & dark humor?
dark humor fits 10 people in 1 container.
morbid humor fits 1 person on ten containers.
What's the difference between me and a rapist?
He forced her, while I convinced her with a candy.
She was just 7 years old.
What present did the armless kid get for Christmas?
He got gloves. Ohh, sorry, he could never open the present.
When you push your grandma out of her wheelchair and steal it.
“They see me rollin’, they hatin’.”
My math teacher keeps telling me to find his x. It's kinda creepy.
People say that biting off your finger would be as easy as biting a carrot if your brain didn't try to stop you. How the f do people know that and how many people's fingers did they bite off before coming to that conclusion?
Simplest way to tell if dogs are better than cats: My dog is named Curiosity, and your cat is dead.
Why do we call them dead bodies? Nobody says "alive bodies!" Like you walk into your workplace, "OMFG IT'S FULL OF BODIES! Alive ones, though." You wouldn't give birth and say, "Come on, husband, help me with the bodies." If it's a surprise party, you wouldn't say, "QUICK, HIDE THE BODIES!" And the person who the party was for wouldn't say "OH MY GOD WHY ARE THEY DEAD!"
A missile hit a hospital earlier this morning. Fortunately, no one was injured - but 100 were killed.
One day, a girl was showering with her mom. She pointed at her mom's breasts and asked: "When can I get these?" Her mother replied: "In about 6 to 7 years when you grow up :)".
The other day, the girl's showering with her dad, and she pointed at his penis and asked: "When can I get this?" Her dad looked around and replied: "In about 20 minutes when your mom leaves the house."
What do you find in Jeffrey Dahmer's shower?
Heads and shoulders.
I thought it was polite to open the door for a lady, but she just screamed and flew out of the plane.
I got detention one day. I don’t know why; I only slapped the emo kid on the wrist.
What is Bill Cosby's favorite poem? Roses are red, my cum is blue, I'll wait till your asleep to rape you.
Why couldn’t the toilet paper make it across the road?
It got stuck in a crack.
What do you call someone who gets killed at 12 o'clock on New Year's? First kill of the match.
Why do I look nervous when I enter the church? Is it just because I'm the only one with the bomb?
One day my friend said: "I want tacos from Katie's, you?" and I said no thanks and she left. I never saw her again. Today I remember that I saw her name on TV as one of the victims of suicide, then I remember her and my motto: "If I'm dying, you're dying with me, you got no choice." I NEVER ate tacos from Katie's again.
I saw a bus the other day with some boy scouts at the back. One of them was having fun getting his knot-tying badge.
