Went swimming today and peed in the deep end. The lifeguard saw me and blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in.
I was at the bar late last night when a waitress screamed, "Anyone know CPR?" I said, "Shit, I know all the letters of the alphabet." Everyone laughed, well, except for this one guy.
God died for your sins, so basically if you don't sin then Jesus died for nothing
Woman gets pulled over by a cop Cop: ma'am have you been drink Lady: no officer Cop: what's that in your cup then ma'am Lady: just water officer Cop: looks like wine to me Lady: oh my god Jesus did it again
I have the brains of an old man and the heart of a child. If you don't believe me, I can pop my trunk.
My mother was so sad after my grandpa's death, she went into the bathroom with my uncle, and I could hear their moans of sorrow. She then surprised me later on, saying that she was pregnant.
Friends are like bananas. If you peel their skin off and eat them, they die.
I KNOW IT'S MARCH, BUT I THOUGHT OF THIS!!
Jingle bells, jingle bells! OH GOD, SANTA FELL! I guess it's time for Mrs. Claus to go straight down to hell!
who needs april fool when your life is a joke...
I had a huge crush on this girl when I was eight. One recess we met together on the playground, and she brought me to the corner of the playground. That was my first kiss, and from there it got serious. I told my parents a week later and they freaked out, called the police, and they arrested my crush. I miss Mrs. Johnson.
im required by law to tell you i am a regesterd sex offender
So I asked my mom for a bath bomb, she just gave me a toaster.
My grandad said I'm too reliant on technology, so I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
A dad and son walks into a strip club the people in the strip club said he was to young to be in hear so they had to leave 10 years later they went back there. They saw a small dancer the father walked over there and said the woman looked to small to be in hear her reply was...?
Son: Dad what's a morbid joke? Father: Walk over to a homeless man and throw a rock at him then you will know. Son: But Dad I don't have arms or legs. Father: Now you know.
Ejaculated in her braces, call that children behind bars.
What mental disorder do all Mexicans have?
Borderline Personality Disorder
I hope death is a woman That way she'll never look at me twice
Abortion is a really touchy subject for me. On one hand, there's dead babies! But on the other hand, women get a choice.
What's the difference between a hamster and a cigarette?
They're both harmless until you stick them in your mouth and light them on fire.
