I was horrified when my wife told me that my six-year-old son wasn't actually mine. Apparently, I need to pay more attention during school pick-up.
Nobody notices your pain, tears, struggles, but why do they notice your mistakes?
Yo mama so fat she ate Saturn and mistook it for bubble gum.
Your mom was dating a boy that had a twin brother, but she did it with the wrong one.
Sorry, I got the joke wrong the first time.
What’s the difference between a mistake and an orphan?
At least the mistake was loved.
Bro, they almost forgot you in the abortion bucket.
My ex was an orphan as a child.
I should have taken that as the first sign.
If her parents didn't want her, why would I?
My brother: What are you looking at?
Me: A mistake.
The Demon when it gets summoned to earth only to find out it was a spelling mistake in Latin class. 😬
Meant to say my friend's nan, not man.
I would like to thank my favorite President Barack Obama. Sorry, Barack Obama and my uncle Obama bin Laden. I mean Osama bin Laden. Sorry, hummus in my throat.
Q: What is the worst thing to hear your surgeon say?
A: Oops, I dropped my lollipop!
Why did the sperm cross the road?
Because I put the wrong socks on this morning.
POV: You accidentally get H in your IV drip.
When you ask your mom for candy but you grab from the wrong drawer...
Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning, and his dad was making a lot of mistakes. Suddenly, his dad screams, "Bitches and asses!" Johnny asks what it meant, and his dad replied, "Aunts and uncles." Oh.
Next thing he hears is, “Dicks and pussies!” Johnny asks, "What's that mean?" To which his dad replied, "Uh, coats and hats." Oh. Next thing he knows, he sees his dad jumping around the bathroom yelling, "Fucking, fuck, fuck, FUCK!" "What does that mean, Dad?" And his dad yells, "Cut Johnny, it means cut!!!" Oh.
Next week is Thanksgiving, and the doorbell rings. Johnny answers it and says, "Hey, bitches and asses, hang your dicks and pussies here, Dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey."
It's a grave mistake to talk badly about the death.
My mom said, "Why did I adopt you?"
I said, "Because the other three were mistakes."
Don't mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
