Misdirection jokes
How many fingers am I holding? I'm not holding any fingers.
Why do cats leave scratches on arms? They don't; I do it myself.
What is 6-inch long, in every men's pants or hands, and girls want?
- A smartphone, freak.
I prank called someone saying, "SON! IT'S ME, SON! I'M COMING FOR YOU!!!" My friend next to me asked who I was calling, and I said, "the orphanage."
I was playing football and this guy comes to me, he was in a wheelchair.
We started playing rocket league.
I love eating pussy. That’s why the animal shelter is always my go-to for a good meal.
Friend: “What's that on your arm?”
Me: “Oh, nothing. Just decided I wanted to cosplay a tiger.”
Police: Where do you live?
Me: With my parents.
Police: Where do your parents live?
Me: With me.
Police: Where do you all live?
Me: Together.
Police: Where is your house?
Me: Next to my neighbor.
Police: Where is your neighbor’s house?
Me: If I tell you, you won't believe me.
Police: Tell me.
Me: Next to my house.
"what's that on your wrist?"
"I'm a cutting board. duh"
What's 10 inches and makes women scream?
Cot death!
You blow a kiss up.
Your eyes were bright up your ass.
A teacher asks a boy in her class, "If 3 birds are sitting on a fence, and one is shot, how many are left?" The boy responds with, "None." The teacher asks why. "They would all fly away after hearing the gunshot." The teacher says, "The answer is 2, but I like the way you think."
Later, the boy asks the teacher, "3 women walk out of an ice cream shop. One is eating with a spoon, one is licking it, and one is sucking it. Which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking it." The boy says, "No, the one wearing the ring, but I like the way you think."
A woman walks into a library and asks if they have any books about paranoia. The librarian says, "They're right behind you!"
A girl and her brother are walking in their garden. POV: Brother. Sister: "Why are you cutting those flowers?"
Brother: "Because they're beautiful!"
Sister: "I thought you said you cut yourself because you aren't."
Brother:......
What do you do when your baby starts screaming?
Use more lube.
Hey Siri, where is my dad?
Your dad is in a strip club in Las Vegas.
HAH, jokes on you! My dad’s in the kitchen!
Your mom’s husband is in the kitchen, your dad is in a strip club in Las Vegas.
...WhAT-
Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick her candy, but Jack had a shock and a mouth full of cock, and Jill's real name was Randy.
Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick Jill's candy.
But Jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock because Jill's real name is Randy.
What’s the best part about twenty-eight year olds?
There’s twenty of them.
What do you call an arrow pointing the wrong way?
A Disap point ment.