Medicine jokes
We thought that my mother died in the best way possible, during her sleep.
But when we did an autopsy on her, we saw she actually died in the worst way possible. During the autopsy.
What does this website with its comments and a cult have in common?
We have a case of Witzelsucht.
What is the difference between a priest and anesthesia?
The anesthesia takes time to put you under.
A doctor walks into his office and looks his patient in the eyes, "Sir, you have to stop jerking off."
The man asks, "Why?"
The doctor then says, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
What do dentists call their x-rays?
Tooth picks.
Your mama is so stupid, she made an appointment with Dr. Pepper.
A boy went to a doctor, and the doctor said, "I can't treat you." The boy asked why, and the doctor said, "Because I'm a family doctor."
What do priests and doctors have in common?
They both do physicals on kids.
Doctor: I’m going to have to turn you away.
Orphan: But why?
Doctor: Because I’m a family doctor.
Never take a person canoeing or kayaking if they had a cerebrovascular accident.
They’ll hear the one word they hate the most: “STROKE, STROKE, STROKE!”
Why is it painful to have your attorney with you in the hospital?
The damages are severe.
What did the cancer doctor say?
You just got a new Christmas present—cancer!
"Jack and Jill went home because he was sick because of the virus in town, gave him a frown, and his arms were pricked."
A husband came back from a business trip and found out that his wife was pregnant. At first, he got a bit suspicious, but then he just ignored it and hugged his wife with happiness. The second when he met his friend and told him the news, the friend just said, "Wait, what? I thought she was on pills!"
Why doesn’t Helen Keller go to the optometrist?
Because she’s dead.
What is the difference between a priest and anesthesia?
The anesthesia takes a while to put you under.
What is the perfect job for a pedophile?
A physical doctor for kids.
Your forehead so big you got to take Tylenol pills, big like chocolate chip cookies.
Know why they call gonorrhea gonorrhea?
'Cause once you have it, everyone is gone.
Me explaining to the school nurse that ice can't cure everything.
Nurse: hOW DaRe yOu OpPosE mE mORtAl!