Your forehead so big you got to take Tylenol pills, big like chocolate chip cookies.
Know why they call gonorrhea gonorrhea?
'Cause once you have it, everyone is gone.
Me explaining to the school nurse that ice can't cure everything.
Nurse: hOW DaRe yOu OpPosE mE mORtAl!
Chuck Norris doesn't need to be vaccinated. Vaccines need to be Chuck Norrised.
What do people with cancer always want to watch?
"Finding Chemo."
Q: What do you say to a kid who threatens to beat you up?
A: We can always rearrange your liver š
You have to have real balls to face prostate cancer.
Just not for long!
Somebody give me a peanut. I just ate an EpiPen.
"Aww, it's a boy, let me cut off the ombelicul cored, sir, that's his penis!"
"It's a girl."
As Iām lying down on the table for a radiation treatment, a small angel lands on one shoulder, a tiny devil on the other shoulder. And then the mind game begins:
Angel: This wonāt last long. You are perfectly lined up. The treatment only lasts a few mins. Remember, stay absolutely still.
Devil: Did she just twitch?
Angel: No. She didnāt twitch.
Devil: I think I saw her finger twitch.
Angel: Well, even if it did, itās her thigh the techs are aiming at.
Devil: She wants to scratch her face.
Angel: Stop it! She can handle staying still a few minutes.
Devil: But her cheek has an itchy spot.
Angel: She can just let it itch. She doesnāt need to scratch every itch. She will just have to think about something else.
Devil: Wow...that cheek is really itchy...
Angel: Think about: Flowers. Acrylic painting. Did the trash get picked up this morning? Her grandson Oliverās smile...
Devil: How about a song?
Angel: Good idea!
Devil: How about... āNever going to give you up. Never going to let you down....āš¶
Angel: OMG! You just Rick-rolled her! Sheās in the middle of a treatment! You know thatās the only part she knows!
Devil: Thatās okay. Sheāll just repeat the words she knows over and over and over and....
Angel: Donāt be so mean!
Devil: āNever going to give you up...š¶ā
Angel: Stop it!
Devil: Her toe! Her big toe! Did you see that? She just twitched it!
Angel: No, she didnāt.
Devil: I bet it screwed up the test and they have to start over....
Angel: She didnāt screw anything up!
Devil: She totally screwed the test up and they were more than halfway done. If they start over at the beginning, she will get too much radiation, and they will end up slicing her whole leg off!
Angel: Thatās not how it works...
Devil: Or they just stop all together and she only gets a partial treatment and her tumor wonāt get enough radiation.
Angel: They know what they are doing!
Devil: ...And it wonāt shrink the tumor and the whole thing fails. And the doctor will have to amputate her leg.
Angel: No! No! No! Thatās not how any of this...
Devil: ...And when they amputate, it will be at the hip and not below the knee because the tumor is in her thigh.
Angel: Stop this right now!!
Devil: āNever going to give you up....š¶ā
Angel: Stop!
Devil: ā...never going let you down....š¶ā
Angel: Iām not going to let you...
Devil: āNever going to give you up...š¶ā
Techs: Okay. Thatās it, Tammi! We are finished! How are you doing?
Tammi: ...Oh, Iām fine.....
Q: What is the most expensive haircut? A: Chemo therapy.
Don't say "stay positive" to the wrong doctor.
What's the most difficult thing about being a pediatric surgeon?
Keeping the scalpel steady while masturbating.
A common question I get as a doctor is, do vaccines cause autism? Well!, I was vaccinated, so.....
A guy with AIDS went into the doctor's room unusually happy. You could even say he was HIV positive.
Doctor: Do you want the good news or the bad news first?
Patient: Good news!
Doctor: We are naming a disease after you.
I looked up "I have whiplash" on WebMD, and it diagnosed me with slavery.
Jokers are all about the delivery.
Except abortion jokes...
What's the difference between dementia and a strawberry?
I don't know. I forgot.
What do you give a pig when it has a rash?
Oinkment.
