ME jokes

My wife called me ugly, and then when she found out how much money I actually make, she called me ugly and broke.

My manager told me to have a good day. So I didn't go into work.

We say “Father, I have sinned,” because it would be weird if we said, “Daddy, I have sinned,” right?

“Forgive me, Daddy, for my transgressions!” We say the “Our Father,” not the “Our Daddy.”

Would it be wrong of me to yell “Jenga!” or “Timber!” while my class is watching a 9/11 documentary?

So I walked into my bathroom to clean some stuff, and no one ever told me you can't put phones in the bathtub!

Wait, that's me.

What did the booty say to the chair?

"You complete me!"

Your mom's been giving me attitude lately, so I told her to shut her mouth. When she did, it caused me to lose 4 inches.

My dad told me "No electronics at the table," so I unplugged my grandma's life support.

Q: What did the Jewish person say when he beat me in a race?

A: Eat my dust.

My pp was in the Guinness World Record book.

The librarian then asked me to take it out.

What's the difference between me and you?

I leave white stains in your mom's bed, and you leave white stains in my mom's bed!

My friend asked me:

Friend: "How much is your body worth?"

Me: "1 million."

Friend: "1 million dollars?!"

Me: "No. 1 million kilograms."

Friend: "Oh."

I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger before my eyes.

Then it hit me.

I always loved going to Bill Cosby's house; he always greeted me when I woke up with "Rapey-rapey, eggs and bakey."

I'm like a rubber because people hit me as I can't feel.

What did the 90s rocker Space Engineer in multiplayer Miner yell at the Troll stealing his stuff?

"Hey! give me my Nickelback!"

I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger, then it hit me.

My dad left me.

"Send me back, I never liked you."