ME jokes
If being sexy were a crime, you better lock me up.
Not because I'm sexy, but because I have 5 dead children in my basement.
Person 1: "I love KFC."
Person 2: "Yeah, me too!"
Person 1: "How many have you gotten?"
Person 2: "How am I supposed to remember how many buckets of chicken I have ordered!?"
Person 1: "Chicken? What chicken? What do you think KFC stands for?"
Person 2: "Kentucky Fried Chicken?"
Person 1: "What? I thought it meant kidnapping foster children."
Person 2: "BLOODY WHATT??"
My ex-wife still misses me, but her aim is getting better!
A man walks up to Lil Johnny one day and asks, "If you had one wish, but that wish will be granted to everyone on Earth... what would it be?"
So Lil Johnny thinks real hard and long, then said, "Well, I would wish for me to shit myself."
The man is shocked and asks why, and Lil Johnny replies, "Well, I would be on the toilet. I think everyone else would just be confused!"
Me: Want to hear a joke?
Friend: Sure.
Me: When my Mum and Dad said they loved me.
Friend: What's funny about that?
Me: Because the next day they disowned me.
Carly (😊): What a beautiful day, huh?
Bianca (😔): Yes, for you it is.
Carly (😟): What's wrong?
Bianca (😕): Nothing, nothing at all...
Carly (😠): Don't lie to me...
Carly (🤔): Hmmm... Jordan???
Carly (😈): Because if so, I can take him out like this...
Bianca (😔🙄😒): Thank you... no... and I don't give a damn anymore!
Carly (😠): Bianca, trust me, you don't love him anyway!
Bianca (😒): Please, Carlyana, please keep your fucking face out of this.
Carly (😈): No need to curse, I can do that to Jordan if you want...
Bianca (😔): Well... shut your mouth and leave me alone!
Walk up to the quiet kid and tell him to hang in there. Trust me, you won’t regret it.
So, some thieves robbed me the other day. They took everything I owned, except for the soap, towels, and deodorant.
Dirty bastards.
What did the banana say to the vibrator?
"Why are you shaking? She's gonna eat me later!"
My girlfriend called me a pedophile.
And I said, "That's a big word for a 5-year-old!"
The other day, I donated my car keys, $1,000, and a passport to a homeless man.
You could feel the happiness come from me after he holstered his suppressed shotgun.
I went on a walk with a super pretty girl, then she saw me and it turned into a run.
Friend 1: What's the most disappointing thing that ever happened to you? For me, repeating a year.
Friend 2: Failing an important test. And you?
Then there is me: My life.
You smash me so hard, I gave her the D.
My chocolate babe is calling my name, and now I'm about to get my chocolate freak on.
What's the funniest thing you ever read? For me it was when Rapboat told me he was a legit rapper.
What's the difference between me and you?
I leave white stains in your mom's bed, and you leave white stains in my mom's bed!
I'm so depressed that when I smile, my Face ID doesn't recognize me.
One day the mailman came to drop the mail off, then he asked if I could use the bathroom. I said yeah. The thing is, my mom was coming out of the shower naked, and when she opened the door, it was me and the mailman.
Now, when the mailman sees me, he says to me, "We got something in common, we both saw your mom naked."
Me.