ME jokes

Friend: Did Jesus die a virgin?

Me: Of course not, he got nailed before he died.

My girlfriend broke up with me, so I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back!

Friends, who's your barber? They mess up big time.

Me.

You're just jealous because my dad cuts my hair for free, and you have to be paying 30 dollars just for that short-ass cut.

I am a good role model, because you look up to me. Deez nuts!

Hi, I'm Depraashin.

Hi, I'm rope. May I hang with you guys?

I told my therapist you are too fat and ugly to date grown men. Then she asked me, "You wanna give a judgemental reaction about that?" I said, "Okay, you smell rat pee on somebody's cock."

I was being interviewed by Elon Musk. He asked, "Where are you from?" and I said Portugal. He replied, "So you are a fellow countryman of a Pen merchant whose freekick ball broke my rover on Mars. Get out!!" Tears ran down my face. Shame on you, Penaldo, for costing me my dream job!

Whoever has my voodoo doll, can you just finish me off already?

Friend: What are you doing?

Me: Putting peanut butter on my balls.

Friend hears in the distance, "Orphans, I have food for you!"

Okay class, who can tell me who the fastest readers are?

The pilots of 9/11 went through the Twin Towers, 6 in 3 seconds.

Give me followers instantly!

Who likes dick? Answer me!

Me: How many letters are in the alphabet?

That one friend: 11 - T-H-E-- A-L-P-H-A-B-E-T.

I asked God why nobody likes me. He showed a reflection of myself.

My wife told me to hang her the salt, so I beat the shit out of her. My name's Kyle, by the way.

Hi... I'm depressed.

I got barred from Weight Watchers today.

It wasn't my fault; it was the fat ass next to me who spilled her box of Maltesers onto the floor in the middle of the room. All I did was say that it was the funniest game of Hungry Hungry Hippos that I have ever seen.

Wife: "Honey? What do you think about my teeth?"

Husband: "They remind me of stars... yellow and far apart."

Teacher: "Hey, James, this is the third time I asked you a question!"

James: "But you told me not to answer you back!"

My mom said she would miss me if I committed suicide, so we made it double.