ME jokes

So I walk into a bar, and there’s people waiting in line to punch me in the face.

That’s the punch line.

"1v1 me in Clash, you're trash, bro."

My friend: "Hey, I see a dwarf!"

Me: "Where?"

Friend: "In front of me."

My gf told me she was pregnant. So I punched her in the stomach.

She asked me "Why the hell did you do that?!?!?" "I wanted to let you know I'm pro abortion."

Teacher: Can someone tell me the only living thing that can reproduce without sex?

Little Johnny: "Your wife."

One thing you can ask Mario:

"Can you jump up and down for me?"

I wish my ex-wife would take me back. :(

What's the bad version of "Fuck Nirvana, rape me?"

I was in my first space mission for NASA. As we were orbiting the asteroid belt, I saw a figure. I couldn’t tell who it was, but he spoke Spanish with an Argentinian accent. He said, “I’m looking for my freekicks and penalties, can you help me find them?” We then decided to aid him.

A little chimney said: "Ooooh, I think my house owner is making a fire in me! I'm about to smoke!"

The big chimney said next to him: "Well, you're too young to smoke..."

She invited me in the house, and we started makin' out again.

Dad: Hey son, do you like Christmas?

12 year old me: Yeah!

Dad: Well, how would you feel about two?

Me: What?

Me: Knock, knock.

Teacher: Who is there?

Me: Boo.

Teacher: Boo who?

Me: Stop being a crybaby and open the door!

Teacher: ......

Me: Aw man, detention again.

What is you main food?

Me: Pizza cause I'm cheesy.

Friend: Chocolate chips cause I have a lot of friends.

Girlfriend: Donut cause I have a lot of cream.

(This isn't really a joke btw anyway.) SpongeBob, me boy, ye ruptured me intestines with that massive c*ck of yours, agahgahagahagahagah!

A guy walks up to me in the street and asks if you have to include the name of an animal in every sentence. I said only if it's relephant.

He says what about vegetables. I said not nesecelery.

I was at a football match, and the ball was getting closer. Then it hit me. *face palm*

My sister asked where is my book.... me: "itti badi nak hai gufa jaisi dhund us mei."

My name is Justin. I like boys. Hit me up?

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