ME jokes

I wish my grass was emo, then it would cut for me.

Me being raped is like my birth certificate; it doesn't expire.

So I walk into a bar, and there’s people waiting in line to punch me in the face.

That’s the punch line.

If you’ve got me, you want to share me; if you share me, you haven’t kept me. What am I?

I got barred from Weight Watchers today.

It wasn't my fault; it was the fat ass next to me who spilled her box of Maltesers onto the floor in the middle of the room. All I did was say that it was the funniest game of Hungry Hungry Hippos that I have ever seen.

Wife: "Honey? What do you think about my teeth?"

Husband: "They remind me of stars... yellow and far apart."

Hi... I'm depressed.

My mom said she would miss me if I committed suicide, so we made it double.

Just a pickup line.

"Ayo, bbg, are you Maria? 'Cause you can sure as hell count ME in."

My girlfriend broke up with me, so I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back!

Friends, who's your barber? They mess up big time.

Me.

You're just jealous because my dad cuts my hair for free, and you have to be paying 30 dollars just for that short-ass cut.

To RANDYYYY,

Hi Randy, this is ALYA. I don't want to fight with you. If you're an orphan and you do know about your past, you probably get sad, right? Well, these jokes just bring up the bad times for me.

-ALYA with love

What’s the difference between me and grass? Grass doesn’t cut itself.

Tooth 1: Hey, do you like my jokes?

Tooth 2: Yeah, but they're cracking me up.

Imagine being an orphan. *kid beside me crying*

W2S, you stinky, stanky fad. Seeing your disstracks really makes me wanna fap.

My wife walked in on me cheating on her and said, "How could you cheat on me?!" I said, "She was lying naked on the table what I was supposed to do?" and my wife responded with, "Perform the autopsy."

Sometimes I look at my butt for a really, really long time, and suddenly it all becomes clear to me.

My wife slept with another man and got pregnant. She told me 9 weeks later. I said it's ok and told her let's talk downstairs, so I pushed her down the stairs.

Why are you mad because no one wants to adopt me?