ME jokes

Wife: I think these pants are getting too small for me!

Husband: Don't worry, maybe you are just bad at laundry.

I met this kid and he was being bullied by 9 people. I Asked 1 whats going on. They all said another one to bully they all tried hitting me and then my mates which was like 15 of them came in and it was like war all over again.

Sarcastic Doctor: Tell me.

Guy: I have leukemia in the brain.

Sarcastic Doctor: That doesn't concern me.

There are days I feel really bad for my Wife. She has to feed me in the same place I take a dump.

She really hates it when I spit my food back out.

Me so horny! Me so horny!

"Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"Bagel."

"Bagel who?"

"Toast, it's me, your arch-nemesis, Bagel, here to make up! Bye!"

Me in my dream: What a good day! *rumble* Ooh! What was that?

I wake up and I find myself on the floor.

My sister beat me in a race. She gave me a raspberry. I was bitter.

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Username: thelightlessdays

My sister said I'm stupid and I'm a baby, and I said, "Oh, I didn't know we were talking about you."

I'm like a rubber because people hit me as I can't feel.

What did the 90s rocker Space Engineer in multiplayer Miner yell at the Troll stealing his stuff?

"Hey! give me my Nickelback!"

I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger, then it hit me.

My dad left me.

People: Stop joking about such serious issues!

Me: Kill yourself.

I always loved going to Bill Cosby's house; he always greeted me when I woke up with "Rapey-rapey, eggs and bakey."

Evan, me and your mom are done with you.

"Send me back, I never liked you."

A guy walks up to me in the street and asks if you have to include the name of an animal in every sentence. I said only if it's relephant.

He says what about vegetables. I said not nesecelery.

My name is Justin. I like boys. Hit me up?