ME jokes

Hitler

    • Hitler was talking about how to fight in WW2 when someone sneezed while Hitler was giving a speech, so Hitler yelled, "WHO SNEEZED ROW 1? DID ANYONE SNEEZE?" They said no, and Hitler shot everybody. Same for row 2 & 3, but in row 4 someone nervous said, "Me, I'm sorry." Then Hitler said, "Bless you."

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    • Roast

    • Your classmate: You're so ugly.

    Me: That's what your mom said when she had you and called you a mistake.

    Yo mama

    • Yo mama's so dumb, her dad said, "You're driving me crazy," and she said, "I didn't know crazy was a place!"

    Nut

    • Me: Can I borrow your CD?

    Friend: What CD?

    Me: See deez nuts in your mouth.

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    • ME memes

    Time

    • My teacher: Time can't count.

    Me: Every second counts.

    My teacher: Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhh!

    Orphan

    • Once I said to an orphan, "What the 'F' means in 'orphan'?"

    He replied, "There's no 'F'."

    Me: "There's no family."

    Alphabet

    • Little Johnny was in kindergarten, and his teacher said, "Okay, everyone, tomorrow you must come to school and recite the first three letters of the alphabet." Johnny didn't know the alphabet, so he decided to ask his family. He walked into the kitchen to find his mom on the phone. He says, "Mama, what's the first letter of the alphabet?" His mom doesn't notice him standing there and says, "If you don't shut the fuck up right now-" So he goes to find his brother watching TV, and he says, "Tommy, what's the second letter of the alphabet?" His brother doesn't notice him and says, "I'm Batman." So he went to his grandma who was knitting and says, "Grandma, what's the third letter of the alphabet?" The grandma then realizes she left her biscuits in the oven for too long and says, "My biscuits are burning! My Biscuits are burning!" Satisfied with the answers given to him, he thinks it over and goes to school the next morning. When his teacher comes to Johnny, she says, "Johnny, what are the first three letters of the alphabet?" "If you don't shut the fuck up right now," Johnny says. "Who do you think you are, young man, to talk to someone like me that way?" the teacher asks. "I'm Batman," Johnny says. The teacher whups his ass, and little Johnny says, "My biscuits are burning! My Biscuits are burning!"

    Later that day, he understands what happened and can't tell which was worse, that he accidentally cussed at his teacher or that his family was ignoring him.

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    • Woman

    • My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women. I think she is overreacting.

    She asked why I broke up with the last girl, and I said,

    "It didn't work out."

    She told me to be more specific, so I said,

    "I just told you, she didn't exercise."

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    • Bear

    • Little Brown Bear (LBB): Why did Santa take the kitty and all of my toys, Mummy?

    His mom: Maybe because you're the second most massive shit stain besides Caillou.

    *Krampus comes down the chimney to eat LBB*

    Krampus: Should’ve been better, Little Bear.

    LBB: Help, Mummy! He’s the Scratchy monster!

    Shrek: Just kidding, it’s not Krampus, but indeed me and Black Donkey instead, and we’re going to poop on your floor.

    Duggie: Hopefully Marvin doesn’t see us, and by the way, want some purplish Kool-Aid?

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    • Chimney

    • A little chimney said: "Ooooh, I think my house owner is making a fire in me! I'm about to smoke!"

    The big chimney said next to him: "Well, you're too young to smoke..."

    Parent

    • Friend: My mum took my phone from me, and I really want it back.

    Me: Yeah, well, Hades took my parents from me, and the funny thing is, I don't want them back.

    People

    • People often ask me what I would do for a Klondike bar. Well, I'd straight up put 5 hijackers on Flight 175 before it departed from Logan Airport at 8:14 a.m. on September 11, 2001.

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    • People

    • I hate people that hate life.

    Me at the same time: Is cutting self at night.

    *hides scars* *acts like I'm fine* hehe