ME jokes
Want to hear a joke, huh?
Me........
What did the cell say when it was dividing?
"It's not you, it's me."
Me: Hey! Do you know how to tie a knot?
Person: Yea, why?
Me: Cause I need help tying this noose :)
Me: “You guys wanna know a cool fact?”
Friend 1: “Yeah.”
Friend 2: “Yea.”
Me: “Japan is RIGHT that way. If we swim all night...we’ll be able to get to Japan.”
Friend 3: “I love anime.”
Friend 1 & 2: “Nononononononononono!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Me: *Laughs at Friend 3*
Someone: Stop making jokes about sh!
Me: Oh, sorry man, I'll cut it out, I'll cut it out deep!
Guy: Do you know how to draw woman's rights?
Girl: No, how?
Guy: All you need is a blank paper and reality.
They struggled to lift the weights, but I got watermelon to keep me in shape.
If your parents ever accuse you of lying... Say, "You're the one who told me about Santa Claus!"
Me and my brother talking about relationships.
Me: We live kind of differently.
Brother: We're sort of alike.
Me: We're not alike.
Brother, because he's taken: 'Cause you don't have a boyfriend!
My thoughts: You're right. 'Cause I have a girlfriend!
Hi everyone, my mom got me an iPad today, and this is really cool. Can someone tell me what decapitation is?
Friend: My bike doesn't have a kick stand, so it can't stand up.
Me: Nah, it's just two tired.
What's the similarity between a 14-year-old girl and the fetus inside her?
They're both thinking, "Oh fuck, mom is gonna kill me!"
So, me and my friend dressed as dead people for Halloween. The only difference in the costume was that he was actually dead.
I tell a man, "Get me a Glock 19." He comes back with a glove. I was about to shout at him, but then I saw a pistol in his pocket, so I left and thanked him.
Me: Stops the quiet kid from getting bullied.
Him: Don't come to school tomorrow, trust me.
Me: "/"
What did the nose say to the finger?
"Stop picking me!"
My dad and I were talking and my cat left the room.
So I said, "I guess she wasn't feline it."
My dad said, "You've got to be kitten me, that was purrfect!"
I said, "Literally."
An Aboriginal Australian told me that I was on his farmland.
So I told him he was on my cock.
(I'm Australian btw, respect to my American bros🇺🇸)
Regular depressed person: I'm depressed, so I'll go see a therapist.
Me: I'm depressed, so I won't do anything about it, work on many projects at the same time, destroying my sanity slowly while relying on caffeine and pills as my only way to take down my headaches, and making memes about it online to help myself cope with the pain.
My sister is the weird dark one and emo of the family. I'm the bright happy one. Once in 3rd grade, I got a huge A on mine, and my sis got a D-.
In the playground near a tree, we were sitting and playing. I said, "Hey, a C- is not that bad," and raised my hand up to give her a high five, but she left me hanging.