ME jokes

Me: Mom, stop, you are not funny. You never make jokes.

Mom: I made you.

What are the similarities between a broken tire and me?

We were both caused by broken rubber.

Alya, I need to talk to you now. If you don't reply, I will kermit the not living, and if you don't think I will, I will post your OnlyFans photos I get every month for $5.99 a week (high price if you ask me)!

Whoever said that about me better pray!

Neona (😞): Are you mad at me?

Gwen (😌): Me? NEVER! Sometimes we listen and don't listen, let's just hug it out!

Neona (😁): Agreed!

I used to have a phobia of pogo sticks. Those things always made me jump.

Julie: What's the difference between a chimp and a pizza?

John: I don't know.

Julie: Remind me not to send you to the store...

Your mamma is so fat that she saved me a lot of money by sitting in my car when I wanted to buy a low rider.

Wanna come hang out with me?

Me: Yo wanna play 9/11?

My Friend: What’s that?

Me: It’s a game where I kick you in both legs and watch you fall.

Me: Hey, are your parents here?

Orphan: (crying) STOP CALLING HERE!

Me and the boys are cool.

My son's into astromancy asked me how do stars die, so I told him, "Usually on overdose, son."

Some kid in a wheelchair called me fat.

I told her, "Do a wheelie!"

Hey, talk to me here!

Give me baby girl names for a pregnant YouTuber.

I have to say that Halloween is my favorite day...

Every time they see me, kids and mothers run away...

I don’t have a costume so please don’t reprimand...

When I open up the door, I’ve got my penis in my hand.

Me explaining to the school nurse that ice can't cure everything.

Nurse: hOW DaRe yOu OpPosE mE mORtAl!

Dad: Boy, come sit in this hole while I brace the ground.

Boy: I don't want to see Grandpa, he scares me!

Life asked death, "Why do people choose you over me?"

Death replied, "Because you're the beautiful lie, and I'm the painful truth."