ME jokes

My girlfriend left me today for spending my own money. What a bitch! I spend a fair amount of money on her for her clothes and Air Force Ones, but as soon as I spend $100 on hookers, she leaves me.

I walk into a bar. There was a line of people waiting to punch me. Yup. That was the punch line.

My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me.

"She obviously has COVID," my wife said.

"Why?" I asked.

My wife replied with a sneer, "Because she has no taste!"

Bro, just imagine being named Brynley. Couldn't be me.

Me: "Cya"

Mom: "Where ya going?"

Me: "The orphanage to make yo mama jokes."

Mum: ...

Thanks to the voice who keeps telling me to let go,

he is my only motivation for trying again.

Sister: Wanna know the difference between your singing and your flute playing?

Me: Sure... (Expecting a completely different response than what I get.)

Sister: Nvm, they have no difference.

Me: *Confused*

Sister: They're both horrible.

I met a baseball player, so I told him to make a home run, and he just looked at me with sadness. I don't know why.

By the way, he was an orphan.

Me: Yo, dude! Yo mama so fat when she walked by the TV, I missed three episodes!

My friend's mom: Why you bully me?

Yo mama so fat, when she was telling me her weight, I thought she was telling me her number.

I tell my therapist I’m scared of the 3rd, 9th, and 15th letter of the alphabet.

Doctor: Oh, I see.

Me: Ahhhh!!!!!

What did the plane say to the twin towers?

"Lmao, you twins don't know how to play Jenga. Here, let me show you how!" (BOOM) ;)

Random: What are your hobbies?

Me: Bullying kids in WhatsApp groups 💀

A cop pulls me over and asks if I have been drinking.

I'm an honest person and say yes, I did, so I take off my sunglasses and tell him that I now had 2 glasses less.

When the kid in the wheelchair scares you... you wheelie scared me.

I got fired from my job at the bank today.

An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

A blind man handed me a piece of paper. It said, "⠊⠋ ⠽⠕⠥ ⠉⠁⠝ ⠞⠗⠁⠝⠎⠇⠁⠞⠑ ⠞⠓⠊⠎ ⠽⠕⠥ ⠁⠗⠑ ⠛⠁⠽."

I have no idea how he knew.

A friend took me out to his shed and was showing me all his tools, when he pointed to a ladder. "That's my step ladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."

Yo mama so fat, when she jumped in the ocean, the whales said, "We are family, even though you're fatter than me!"

What did the fat guy say to the tree?

"Get me some coconuts!"