ME jokes
My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. But, unfortunately, it just made her more upset.
She screamed at me, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”
I jump and jump if you put bread in me too many times. What am I? A toaster.
Me: *watching TV*
Mom: Omg, no way, your dad is coming!
Me: Really?
Mom: Obviously not, he never loved or wanted you.
Lady: "Can I lick your balls?"
Me: "Ummmmm, ok?"
Lady: *grabs ball sack and licks my balls*
Me: "I'm gonna have to clean these now!"
Lady: "Let me do that."
Me: "No, thank you! I have to use these baseballs for practice!"
Some kid online: I f*cked your mom.
Me, an orphan: Jokes on you, I don’t have one!
I told my friend you should definitely quit smoking, but he could not find me because he was already up in flames.
What's the difference between me and Elizabeth Afton?
Her dad always comes back.
My friend is upset with me because I sniffed his grandmother's nickers. Not sure if it was because she was still wearing them or if it was because the whole family was watching. Either way, the rest of her funeral was really awkward.
My friend playing truth or dare asked me: "Dare".
My friends: "I dare you to go home."
Teacher told me to turn in my essay, but I ain't no snitch, fool.
Some of you need to go to church. I don't want you in hell with me.
The doctor said I had two years to live, so I shot him. The warden gave me 50. Problem solved!
I hope you SEA me around later, 'cause I SHORE won't stay here for long.
Me: What's the fifth month of the year?
Friend: May.
Me: May deez nuts fit in your mouth?
Me: How do cowboys say hello?
Friend: Howdy.
Me: How do deez nuts fit in your mouth?
I was in math class when my teacher gave us homework, and she said to me, "You're gonna get an F this time." So I went back home, and f**k my teacher.
What did the pirate say when he saw a ghost? He said, "Oh my God, it's me dead parrot!"
Why do orphans only have 363 days in a year?
Friend: Why?
Me: Because they don't have a mother or father's day.
For Charlie D'Amelio fans, my basement is your home now. Leave a like if you agree with me.
Your hairline reminds me of a car taking a U-turn.