ME jokes
People have been telling me that you can get things for free now.
The other day I saw a sign saying "FREE PALESTINE."
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday.
She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, “I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”
“About 32,” is the reply.
“Nope! I’m exactly 50,” the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, “I’d guess about 29.” The woman replies with a big smile, “Nope, I’m 50.”
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, “Oh, I’d say 30.”
Again she proudly responds, “I’m 50, but thank you!”
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, “Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.”
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, “What the hell, go ahead.”
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, “Okay, okay... How old am I?”
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, “Madam, you are 50.”
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, “That was incredible, how could you tell?”
“I was behind you at McDonalds’."
I was kidnapped by mimes once. They did unspeakable things to me.
I was horrified when my wife told me that my six-year-old son wasn't actually mine. Apparently, I need to pay more attention during school pick-up.
My wife told me to treat her like a princess, so I got drunk and drove through the tunnel.
Tell rumors about me, but please don't say I'm in a love relationship.
I went to find someone to fuck in the streets for money, and I found a prostitute, but then she raped me. After she said it was amazing and instead let me push.
Me vs. the emo kid: we go to high-five a tree. I get a high five; the emo kid is left hanging.
Bully: You're a loser and fat.
Me: Shut up. The camera thought you were a house.
I'm so poor that they let me buy the entire store! For $0...
Somebody asks me: How many YT subs you got?
Me: More than you!
The man says, "Can you hump me?" So the other boy says, "Bro bro bro bro bro."
I gave my sister a compliment and said she's pretty, then while she was saying thanks, I said, "pretty ugly."
Me: You are pretty. Her: Thanks. Me: Pretty ugly.
What has 4 limbs and can make a sidewalk red? Me falling from a 20 story building.
What did the fat guy say to the tree?
"Get me some coconuts!"
What did the fat guy say when he fell off the ladder? "Catch me!"
If I was an object in this world, I’d be a glass! Because if you leave me when I’m too close to the edge, I will likely shatter and break.
Yo mama so fat, when she jumped in the ocean, the whales said, "We are family, even though you're fatter than me!"
Call me fat? You call me fat because you think that you’re pretty, but you ain’t. You’re just a musty, dusty, rusty Cardi B.
Me testing if there is fall damage in real life (falls off of a cliff, uses water bucket trick) dies.