ME jokes

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For some reason, when my mom eats hot dogs, she likes to lick and suck on it first. As a son, can anyone tell me why?

Knock knock, who's there? God.

God who? NO, you idiot, there is no God. I am your father and you have locked me out of my own house!

Teacher: Okay class, look at the person to the right of you and describe them with one word.

Me: *looks to the right of me and sees the pick-me girl* "Penny."

Teacher: *shocked* How is she a penny?

Me: 'Cause she's two-faced, flat, and always in someone's pants. Not to mention worth practically nothing.

Me: Good night, everyone.

My friends and family: Night.

Me: *gets in coffin*

My family: *stares at my friends* You aren't going to do something?!?

My friends: *to my family* Nope, this is normal.

One day my friend said: "I want tacos from Katie's, you?" and I said no thanks and she left. I never saw her again. Today I remember that I saw her name on TV as one of the victims of suicide, then I remember her and my motto: "If I'm dying, you're dying with me, you got no choice." I NEVER ate tacos from Katie's again.

I asked the gym instructor,

"Can you teach me to do the splits?"

"How flexible are you?" he asked.

"Well, I can't make it on Fridays."

Me: Looks like a girl, sure as h3ll I don't sound like one.

Michael Jackson: Looks like a boy, sure as h3ll don't sound like one.

That [is] what we have i[n] commen, but if you mix up my gender I won't give a F about it. Michael Jackson not so much : )

You: Hey, Alexa, what is your gender?

Alexa: I identify as Michael Jackson, and my pronouns are...

Me: *hears it* And their pronouns are he/he.

My sister bet me $100 that it was impossible for me to build a working car out of spaghetti.

You should have seen her face as I drove pasta!

Ms. Katie: I heard about a Vegan baby.

Mom: Here’s your Happy Meal.

Ms. Katie: That’s not vegan, did you trick me?

Kids: Yeah!

Ms. Katie: That’s it, little baby Jimmy, I’m giving you shaking baby syndrome!

Mom: Please don’t hurt my son.

*Ms. Katie shakes Jimmy*

Mom: I’m secretly a cop, and you are arrested.

Wife: "Honey? What do you think about my teeth?"

Husband: "They remind me of stars... yellow and far apart."

I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

Whenever someone calls me ugly, I get super sad and hug them, because I know how tough life is for the visually impaired.

My friend dumped me, so I stole their wheelchair.

Have a guess who came crawling back?

I broke my arm in two places. You know what the doctor told me? Stay out of those places!

I wasn't going to visit my family this December, but my mom promised to make me Eggs Benedict. So I'm going home for the hollandaise.